Don’t misunderstand me. I will always love and support you. I’ll be behind you to guide you in the right direction as you make your way through the hurdles of childhood and adolescence. Even when you are making ridiculous decisions, I’ll do my best to help you and stand by what you’ve chosen. You want to pursue a degree in Art History?? …. Go for it (Starbucks has great benefits). Think getting your ear gauges will also expand career options along with your lobes?? Sounds great. I’m all for it.
But as someone who loves you, I’m also going to know that the best way for me to support you is to know when I need to back away and let you figure things out on your own; especially when it comes to consequences you’ve brought upon yourself.
The other day I read an article that caused me to stop and consider what my reaction would have been had I been a parent in this particular situation. A former NFL player who splits his time between Florida and Pennsylvania had his home broken into and trashed. It wasn’t just a lone kid, or even a few hoodlums. Someone threw a party at his empty home and over 300 teens arrived, broke walls, sprayed graffiti, peed on carpets, broke furniture and stole a memorial statue to a lost granddaughter.
Luckily, some of those kids decided it would be best to live tweet the destruction (complete with pictures! Yay!). So, it didn’t take the full think tanks of Interpol to track down most of these criminal masterminds. Which Instagram filter would go best with wanton destruction?
What furious rage did the owner fly into when he discovered their identities???? Well, he calmly invited the identified kids (over 100 identified at that point) and their parents to attend a barbecue he was hosting to
assist in the clean-up and all would be forgiven. He figured that the best way to learn a valuable lesson would be for them to own up to what they did, and recognize the consequences.
A whopping FOUR kids showed up. Four of over 300. So in another attempt to help the kids accept responsibility and in a campaign to steer them straight, he started a website called www.helpmesave300.com. The website re-posted pictures the kids themselves had posted, identified some of them and asked the communities to help those kids to make better decisions. He was met with lawsuits from the parents of the kids who had destroyed his house. Read about it all here. The parents who did nothing to chastise their angelic children were ready to bring the victim to court, rather than have their kids own up to what they did.
I’m not going to discuss the pros and cons of Mr. Holloway’s decision. I know as a kid I made loads of bad decisions (and by “kid” I’m counting up until around 26ish). However in the back of my mind I always had something telling me when I shouldn’t be involved in something legitimately troublesome, or when things are getting out of hand and I should remove myself. This wasn’t my conscience or some divine guardian whispering in my ear. This was the voice of my dad. I’m paraphrasing here, but I was told pretty directly “If you go to jail, you will god-damned well remain in jail.” There was no discussion here. No wiggle room. Any appeals would be met with a dial tone signifying the end of my one prison call. Sure, he’d visit and maybe send a care package, but if I was dumb enough to be involved with something that might put me away, then away is where I would remain. No bailouts would be forthcoming from the Peoples Republic Of Joseph Quinn.
Knowing full well that I’d be on my own was quite a motivator when it came to making decisions as I was growing up. It made me a better and more responsible person. It taught me how to cautiously toe the line of authority when I felt it needed to be challenged without crossing it. This is something I want to be sure to pass on to my little guys. The teens who made those mistakes by trashing that house learned one big lesson. Hide behind mom and dad, and responsibility will magically disappear.
I think those parents did their kids a great disservice. They were presented with an extraordinary opportunity to make amends by someone who had far more patience than I would have had and they threw it in his face. I imagine these are the same parents who yell at hardworking teachers when their child is failing a class. Those kids not only faced no punishment, but were able to sit back while mom and dad vilified the victim. My kids will learn from my example and I intend to make the example I set a good one. One where I can admit mistakes and follow the right path, even if it would be easier to duck my head and hide.
So that’s it kids. Make the right choices as you progress to become good people and I will always be behind you to support and help you in any way I possibly can. Just know, that when you make the wrong decisions, I won’t support you, but I’ll stand there next to you as you face the consequences.