Welcome to part III of my ongoing series of Parenting Perils. These perils are situations, physical objects, or places that initially seem innocuous but now that you’re a dad, have the potential to ruin your day. Today, I present to you “The Disn….. let’s just call it “The Cartoon Mouse Store” (they probably have a better legal dept than Life Of Dad does).

"Abandon all hope ye who enter here."

            The only magic that kingdom has is the magic trick of making hours of your day disappear and shrinking your bank account! Once your child sees the “Cartoon Mouse Store” your day is done. Finished. Kaput. Remember all of those plans you had???? Those will not happen any more. Remember that extra $60 you had for a nice dinner with your lady friend?? You just spent it on a plastic princess crown. Here’s a fun trick that “Cartoon Mouse” Store workers do; they give your child a $20 wand and say something like “Here you go sweetheart”. Now your child suddenly thinks they own that wand. But they don’t….until you pay for it……13 hours later when you are finally leaving the store.

Solution

The only way to avoid this trap is to make sure your child does not see the store. Remember the buffoonery I talked about in my “Mall Fountains” article? (“DISTRACT, DISTRACT, DISTRACT!!! Make SURE they are looking the other way. No matter what the buffoonery you are forced to perform to accomplish this, do it. Other parents near you will be the only ones who understand, so don’t worry about the non-parents who give you the odd look“) Don’t waste all of your energies at the mall fountain. You absolutely must reserve some of your biggest, most ridiculous and potentially socially unacceptable guns to safely traverse this perilous path. “Cartoon Mouse Store” is not subtle on the storefront department so you might have quite a challenge ahead of you. My daughter would be able to spot this place from a windowless van being driven in the dark through Antarctica during a blizzard.  I think they spray out some sort of pheromone that only children can detect.  If you’re lucky, the “Cartoon Mouse Store” is right near the fountain. You can go all out with your distraction performance and rescue your day in one fell swoop. If they see it despite your distractions, resort to Plan B. Stand quietly to the side with all of the other dads and lament the loss of your day. There is nothing more you can do.