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Wow. Pope Benedict really takes giving things up for Lent seriously! I was just going to give up tacos. Well, now that the position is up for the taking, I’m officially submitting myself to you gentlemen in the College of Cardinals for consideration. Get your white smoke ready gentlemen. This is why I’m your man:

1) I was an altar boy for 8 years and went to Catholic school until 9th grade! Sure, Saint Anthony’s High School decided to break off our relationship after that year, but any school that doesn’t think water guns in the Chapel is funny really isn’t the kind of place I want to be in anyway. You guys are with me, right?? If it’s an issue, consider this my confession. Now you HAVE to forgive me! Boom!!

2) Let’s talk Italy. I am a huge fan of pizza and all Italian foods. Having me in the area will be an economic boom for Italian restaurants. I’ve been to Little Italy like a bajillion times, so I’m pretty much Italian as it is. I also look heavenly in a gondola for when we head up-country.

3) I know you don’t normally pick guys who are married and who have children, but I think having my family there will only invigorate the place! I’m assuming you have Netflix in St. Peter’s right? If not we’ll have to get that going. When I’m Pope-ing throughout the day work is much easier if I can throw on some Yo Gabba Gabba.

4) I can use the steady employment. The Pope industry doesn’t have a high turn over rate. One resignation in over 600 years?? That’s fantastic! You must have a miraculous break room (I’ll wreck Cardinal Dolan in Foosball). Plus I’m pretty sure you provide housing and health benefits. Dental is going to be a deal breaker, though. I’ll need it because I am anticipating my kids will need braces.

5) Sure, you normally elect someone who is a little more qualified, but not always! In 1032 you hired a layman and he kept things buzzing. I think it’s time you stopped promoting from within and reached outside to help you get a fresh set of eyes on things.

So there you have it. I’m excited to get started. If you can send over a copy of Rosetta Stone Italian I and II before my papal coronation I’d really appreciate it. I’ll need to start brushing up. Pope Patrick sounds great doesn’t it? Alliterative popes present papal perfection. Can’t wait to share a cannoli with you guys! Ciao!!