You guys, I am just sick over this article in the New York Times that I didn’t really read. After seeing the headline and skimming the first couple sentences, I decided that the story seemed to be suggesting that mommies like child care more than daddies and that just made me furious.
I can’t think of anything I like more than caring for my little miracle baby. And I’m just tired of all these studies undervaluing the contributions of daddies everywhere. It’s like science is against us! What did we ever do to science? Well, I do exploit science in order to promote my reactionary anti-global warming agenda… but still!
Now, sure, I probably don’t do as much of the child caring as my lady friend does. In fact, she probably does almost all of it. But it’s not because I don’t like it. It’s because I’m efficient! Let’s say it’s my turn to pick up my son from daycare, feed him dinner, bathe him, give him his bottle of milk, brush his teeth, read to him and put him to bed. Then let’s say I have to get my exercise in (I’m currently in the midst of a summer slimdown) and all of my important news reading. I’d have to be crazy to do all those things separately. It would take hours!
So how do I do it?
Here, now, free of charge, is my carefully thought out and in no way reckless plan:
1. Install a bathtub in the stroller.
2. Pick the boy up from daycare.
3. Toss the boy in the tub and tell him to go to sleep.
4. Empty a tube of toothpaste in the tub.
5. Dump a bowl of beans and cous cous in the tub. He loves that stuff!
6. Dangle a milk bottle over the boy’s head with a fishing pole.
7. Scrub him up with one of those back scrubbers while running home and reading the blog GlobalWarmingIsAHoax.SeeingClearlyForTheFirstTime.LoveItOrLeaveIt.
Sorry, what were we talking about?