1-Never, ever, ever, have an epic drinking session the evening before watching your kids, especially if you have twins, solo. The results will not be pretty, nor is it fair to any of the parties involved.
2-There is no way to make a tea party manly, just go with it. Take comfort in knowing that even the manliest of men, if they are a Daddy, has sipped imaginary tea from a pink Barbie teacup.
3-Sometimes, many times actually, no matter how much you believe you have the situation under control, no matter how confident you are in your Daddy skills, no matter if you’ve been down this road before, Mommy needs to make the save.
4-Time is dyslexic in the minds of a child. You have 5 minutes to clean this room, means, do it tomorrow. While, you are going to a party tomorrow, means, we are leaving in 5 minutes!
5-When the dog lets out a heavy sigh; you look at him and nod knowingly.
6-You learn the joy of toys again. You find yourself lying on the ground, playing with cars or soldiers for the first time in ages. It’s enough to bring a tear to your eye, especially when you find them inside your boot at 6AM.
7-If you can manage to grill some cheese between two slices of bread, well; you might as well be Mario Batali. If you manage not to burn it, they may never move out.
8-You know that moment in the movie, the one where the little sprite calls out that he’s thirsty in the dead of the night. It may be cute on screen, but in real life it gets old pretty quick.
9- Women truly do begin talking, and talking, and talking from Jump Street. I may actually contact Guinness about counting how many words Grace can say in a day.
10-Sometimes they just have to dance. It may be when a show they love is on, or when they are telling you about what they learned in class. It may also be during the middle of dinner, or even when you are correcting their bad behavior, just smile and enjoy it.
11-When you decide to take them to the park, the Circus, or the Zoo; you are really taking your memory. When we show our children all the fun stuff the world has to offer, aside from bringing them joy; we are really just taking our memories for a stroll. We all need to do that a little more often.
12-Sometimes a good hour or so home alone after work on a Friday with a few brews and a nice sandwich, is just enough “bachelorhood” to get you through the weekend.
13-There are two things to listen for, ear piercing screams or silence. Anything in between may be ignored. You will also find yourself amazed at how, in a crowd of 30 kids, at a Chucky Cheese, you can distinguish your child crying amongst the bunch.
14-You learn to save the word disgusting, for truly special situations.
15-You should come to the rude realization that, sleeping until 7am, IS considered sleeping in. Payback will come when they are 13, and want to sleep until noon.
16-You can pass off anything if you say it’s for the kids, for instance a fish tank, a pool, etc. Well, almost anything, Yankee season tickets were vetoed.
17-You look at other Fathers who “get it”, and nod in mutual respect.
18-You can never have enough batteries. And, the odds are, even when you do have them, they will be the wrong ones. Every household has the draw full of toys or appliances missing a borrowed battery, very sad indeed.
19- They have a sixth sense; it is truly a sight to behold. Both awe inspiring & frightening at the same time. You know how the old Christmas tune goes, “He knows when you are sleeping, and he knows when you’re awake”. Well, this tune is slightly different. The words have been changed to, “They know when you are about to take a sip, and they know when the channel is about to be changed.” They lie in wait for these moments, stalking you like a pride of lions watching a gazelle on the Serengeti.
20-No matter how bad your day may have been. It doesn’t matter if the boss was on your case, your commute was a mess, or you fantasy squad laid an egg. Walking through the door and seeing two faces smiling with delight at your arrival, makes it all worth it. If Momma is smiling, even better, for then you know everyone had a great day and life is good.