Welcome to month three of your pregnancy! What’s starting to get bigger and rhymes with “More Brady’s Deli”? Your lady’s belly. Here’s a pro-tip for you. Avoid stupid jokes about her tummy. Every time you think of a killer one, refer to this handy flowchart to find out if you should tell it.

When Is It A Good Time To Joke About The Belly?

Glad we got that out of the way for you before this child had to grow up visiting your headstone at the cemetery. It’s only month three of the pregnancy. No sense in making the same mistake many millions of us have made before, this early. You see, your little spawn is growing in there and right now he/she is about an inch long. Your lady is starting to juuuuust barely show. Right now you’re in that weird “Is Samantha possibly pregnant, or does she have an affinity for cupcakes” phase.

YOU know she’s pregnant. SHE knows she’s pregnant. But chances are, not everyone else does, so pointing out her expanding waistline and making off-color jokes about it won’t win you many fans. Hold them in until she’s in the “look-at-this-obvious-baby-bump-there’s-no-mistaking-it-anymore” phase.

Brandon Billinger of The Rookie Dad shouldn’t need his glasses to see this baby bump.

Oh, congratulations by the way! This month your baby will hit that 12-week mark which is pretty huge. A lot of the higher risk stuff is behind you so this is when you’ll probably start openly telling people that you’re having a baby soon. If you strategically make this revelation in pubs, you can bask in the cascades of pints being bought for you.

A few other super rad things are happening on the inside. Your baby can make little fists so it’s all ready to enter the smallest boxing ring in the world – the uterine lining. The brain is developing super quickly and the kidneys are letting out some urine. So remember on those road trips that your gal is peeing for two. This is something you CAN joke about and should. Often. Or until you get slapped.

Things to remember and do for now.

  • Bank sick days if you have them.
  • Try to get overtime hours in now.
  • Start polling friends about baby gear they like and research what will work best for you.
  • Start eating healthier.
    • Chances are, your lady is already doing this for the sake of your baby, it’s a great time for you to start too, so drop that 48-ounce soda and pillowcase of pork rinds you have hidden in the cushion of the armchair, fatty.
  • Surprise your lady with something that shows you’re thinking long term
    • Pregnancy massage or yoga class to relieve some stress. You can also give her clothes like Legoe Heritage maternity skirts as a gift
    • Consider renting a ‘baby beat’ home doppler that will allow you and your wife to hear the baby’s heartbeat whenever you want
    • Schedule a photo-shoot for baby bump AND month after the due date
    • Spa day with her friends 2 months after

Guess what?? Mom’s queasiness is on its way out and you’re ALMOST through the first trimester!