I Miss My Mom

“We put the fun in dysfunction.”
“When times get tough, hug a baby.”
“WOW is MOM spelled upside down.”
-Barbara W. Bansley-

My Mom passed away 6 years ago today. Unlike most deaths you experience in life, time doesn’t heal this type of loss. Not when it comes to the passing of your Mom or Dad. That’s one relationship that almost seems more painful as the years go on…it’s that one person in your life who has loved you so unconditionally through all of your faults and triumphs, they’re your biggest fan and cheerleader throughout life. At least that’s what my Mom was for me. She had a way of knowing just what to say or not say, she always gave the best mama bear hugs and she was my biggest advocate. If anything tore me down, she would build me right back up. I miss my Mom.

Since my Mom’s passing, life has taken me on quite a ride. It has blessed me in so many ways but it has also handed me some heavy blows…some so devastating that I cannot believe I don’t have my Mom here to help carry me though. She would have known just what to say and would have held my hand each step of the way with a mama bear hug at my disposal.

I feel like cancer robbed me of years and treasured moments that could have been…”How unfair. Poor me.” is what I think sometimes. What? Can’t a girl just throw herself a pity party once in a while?!

Only in the last 5 years I became a mother myself. I never had the chance to share motherhood with her. Oh how I wish she could have met my babies, her spirited namesake and grandson with her baby blue eyes!! And now that I am a crazed, overwhelmed mama convinced I’m screwing it up daily and constantly questioning every decision I make for my kids…I wish more than ever I had my Mom here. I would even settle for a single phone call from Heaven, to hear her voice again, telling me all the secrets to marriage, parenthood and life. Oh how I would savor each word she would say. After all, she was an expert of parenting…having 12 kids kinda makes you one by default.

I always knew I was her favorite child though…that is until she passed away and my wise sister Geri shared a secret. Laughing at me after I frankly declared I was Mom’s favorite… “Don’t you see Luce, Mom made each of us feel like we were her favorite!” This was a game changer for me. How could a woman make each of us feel SO special and loved!?!? No no, she must be mistaken because clearly I was her favorite…To this day, my 6 older sisters and I playfully debate on why we were her favorite. WOW (MOM), she was incredible.

My Mom was often faced with a lot of judgment and uninvited comments regarding having 12 kids…here are a few of my favorite MOMments.

Years ago at a school fundraiser, a woman rudely asked my Mom:
“What’s it like being married to a sex maniac?”
My witty Mom’s response “I don’t know. Ask my husband.”

People would often criticize, “How do you divide your love 12 ways?”
My Mom’s perfect response “I don’t. I multiply my love 12 ways.”

And boy did she have SO much love to give, just ask anyone who knew her. Personally, I am extremely grateful she continued to have all of us…especially since I am #12 and the baby of the family. If she stopped sooner, that wouldn’t have worked out too well for me:/

If you have lost a parent, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the void you feel on every holiday, birthday, wedding, anniversary, tragedy & triumph. What some people who’ve never experienced this type of loss do not realize is that even on the best moments in life, you miss your mom…you wish she was there to share in the joy. Just recently, my heart baby turning 5 years old and my son being in a Super Bowl commercial…what fun that would have been to share with her! My sister recently shared with me after finding out her first grandchild had been born, she reached for the phone to call our mom before realizing what she was doing…this was 6 years later people. In 2009, my husband and I were visiting his Grammy, at the time my Mom was dying from melanoma but Grammy didn’t know this news. She said something to us that day that brought me to tears “I miss my Mom.” This was coming from a woman who lost her mother over 60 years ago…Grammy was 91 years old.

I just remember thinking “WOW, I will never not miss my Mom.”

So… if you are blessed enough to still have your mom and/or dad around, all I ask is that you cherish each moment you have together. Call your mom or dad up, visit them, send them “just because” flowers or simply go in for a big mama bear hug. Appreciate the heck out of each day you have with them while you still can. If you aren’t a parent, ask them about parenthood anyways. Gosh I wish I asked my mom more questions about navigating this crazy ride called parenthood. I was living with this great scholar of motherhood yet never asked about it because it wasn’t relevant to my life.

Thank you for entertaining this grateful daughter a platform to honor her mother on the Anniversary of her passing. If you feel inclined, I invite you to share some of your favorite advice you’ve received from your mom or dad. It can be heartfelt or funny. Through your words, may we all gain some insight to navigate life’s most important role…being a parent.

Lucy Riles
#12 & baby to Barbara Wynn Bansley