Whether ’tis nobler in life to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous love
Or take a knife against a sea of troubles
And by opposing them, end them.
Hold on just a second, fellas
“I do not want to be responsible for anymore human beings” – is what my friend said to me when I ribbed him for deciding to get a vasectomy after his 3rd child. He told me I’d understand one day if I ever settled down. I was unmarried at the time and identifying with the, “I am Man, hear me roar!” mentality. The thought of snipping the cord to my reproductive prowess seemed absurd, if not emasculating. Fast forward 3 1/2 short years to today; I have since gotten married, shut down a business, moved across the country, and my wife, Laura, and I have just had our second daughter in a 15-month time span. I am a bit shell-shocked to say the least. Our newest addition just turned 4 weeks old. When we are not changing diapers, feeding babies, cleaning up disasters, figuring out how to reestablish our business on the east coast, or just trying to salvage a bit of sanity, our thoughts often turn to the prospect of a third child. The concept petrifies us.
Good advice for a groundhog, or anyone. In fact, try not to take any action when emotionally upset
I have always preached to my patients, “Do not make decisions or take action while in an emotional state.” During the pregnancy, it was easy to recognize that Laura and I were a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of adding #2 so soon after #1. So, when the option arose to close the door on more “outrageous love” by having Laura’s tubes tied during the C-section, I knew we were too emotionally charged to pull the trigger. Now, after 4 weeks of trying to figure out how to manage 2 girls under 16 months, with everything else on our plate, I can say with total clarity that we are even more emotionally charged to remain a family of 4, rather than a party of 5.
I find myself singing songs about vasectomies, pumping myself up for the big day.
Following my own advice, I know we cannot make the decision “to snip” just yet. I will wait until I am not being swayed by a screaming mind, telling me I cannot handle anymore. Once things settle down, and I have grown to encompass this new dynamic, my mind will calm down. It will shut up for once. In that space, I will be able to connect to a place beyond my mind: a place where I have learned to make my big decisions: my gut, intuition, inner knowing – which stems from a place beyond my ability to rationalize my decisions. And I’ll know if I should be heading to my urologist or not.
Many people think since I have two daughters, I now need to “get my boy”. It would be nice to experience raising both genders, but let’s get real: If Laura and I decide to have a third, it will be because we want to add another life into our family: because we want to add the joy and love that comes with having a baby: because having another child will add another level of richness and depth to our already beautiful family. If I allow myself to be driven by my ego’s desire to, “get my boy”, I’ll be making a decision from a place other than the place I have come to trust. It requires discipline to ignore our ego’s perpetual chatter driving us to react to its compulsions. But when we do, we provide ourselves the chance to connect to a deeper place from which to draw our motivation for taking action.
When determining whether or not we want to have more children, there are many factors that come into play. We have two babies under16 months right now and we are quickly approaching 40. Do we have the energy to add a 3rd? And if we wait until we have recovered from back to back babies, how old will we be when having the 3rd? Do we really want to start all over again while approaching 45? Our source of income is in flux, so is it fair to our two daughters to add a 3rd child, who will only further dilute our family’s resources for the children? There is a certain lifestyle we envision for our family. We want to show our children cultures of the world, immerse them in enriching atmospheres, and offer them the greatest chance for achieving success. At what point does that vision become compromised due to a lack of resources (time, energy, finances): How do we weigh the richness of a bigger family vs. diminished resources needed to provide a more enriched life for our family?
The question of whether to snip or not will remain a question, as I am still too mired in the emotional aftermath of having our second child just 15 months after our first. I will not make a decision born out of emotions driven by fear and chaos. I will wait out the storm to see what emanates from a more trusted place within me.
Be smart people. Only make decisions when your head is clear. Until then, just take it easy. For me, I can really just use some downtime: A little stability: Maybe a date night with my wife. – But that’s what got us into this situation in the first place. One thing is for sure: I’m not trusting the pullout method right now.