If you can walk with the crowd and keep your virtue, or walk with Kings-nor lose the common touch; If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute with 60 seconds worth of distance run- Yours is the earth and everything that’s in it, And-which is more-you’ll be a man my son.”
― Rudyard Kipling, If: A Father’s Advice to His Son
Shortly after my twins were born on September 11th, 2008, family and friends began to mention the obvious; my Son Connor is the spitting image of me. He shares similar features, has long limbs, the same mouth and smile, etc. In the beginning, it seemed that while Connor shared my features, Grace shared my personality, and in many ways she still does. However, over the last few years I have begun to see many of my personality traits in Connor. While this is both weird and fascinating, it is also a little concerning, if you knew me as well as I do.
If pressed to describe my boy in a few short words, the following would come to mind. Sweet, caring, inquisitive, emotional, and excitable, basically, the kid wears his heart on his sleeve. He is easily scared of noises, being startled and tenses up rather easily. Now as much as I may kid about it and tease him a little, I can’t help but see myself. It is very easy to read his state of mind, before he even utters a word. While many of you, and I myself would consider these to be commendable personality traits, there is unfortunately a large section of society that considers them to be a sign of weakness. Let’s face it, those qualities are not going to get you much status in the schoolyard, and will more than likely draw tormentors like moths to a flame. I speak from experience. Here in resides my dilemma in a nutshell. Can I save my Son from being me?
If I was to be asked if I considered my childhood to be a happy one, I would have to say that overall it was. That is not to say that it was not without its share of turmoil and emotional upheaval. Family circumstances aside, I was generally happy. I had plenty of friends, I did well in school, excelled in sports, and I never felt like I missed out on anything, even though our financial situation left a lot to be desired. However, when I really look back on it, there were many times when I was picked on and shunned for basically being me. The sad truth is, the world is not always accepting of young boys that do not conform to the role of rough and tumble, wisecracking, imps. Now, before anyone gets the impression that I am throwing a pity party, trust that I am not. I am very happy with who I am, and how my life has turned out, I would not change a thing. That being said, part of me feels the need to somehow change or mold Connor’s personality to save him from hurt feelings and bruised arms. The other part of me feels that he is who he is, and dealing with adversity is something he needs, to build his character.
Now, some of you might be finding these admissions odd, I often come off as a confident, borderline cocky, individual. Well, it took many years and hard learned lessons to become truly at ease with myself. I’m not going to say I wear a mask, as I truly feel the person I am today is who I was meant to be, but I am often reminded of the roads I have traveled to get here. Now, with Connor, I can see history being readied to repeat itself. I have been thinking about this a lot recently, and then a particular incident brought it to the surface for me. Let me start by mentioning that Connor has immersed himself in the world of Star Wars. For the last two months it has been Star Wars 24/7, playing Lego Star Wars, watching Star Wars, looking at Star Wars pictures on the laptop, etc. Well last week our twins had a play date with another set of twins, two wonderful girls, family friends that they always have a great time with. On this occasion the girls came to play at our house, all parties concerned were very much looking forward to the play date. Well, once the girls arrived, Connor had a one track mind…Star Wars of course. He wanted the girls to sit down and watch a Star Wars movie, when that proved less than successful he wanted them to play Star Wars, light sabers and all. Now my Daughter Grace is usually more than willing to entertain his passion, but with two other girls in the mix, dress up was the name of the game. From that point Connor was an emotional wreck; he could not understand why they did not share his interest in Jabba the Hut and Bobba Fett. He was surly, whiny and downright cantankerous. I tried to explain that sometimes we need to branch out and play what others want to play, that not everyone enjoys the same things, I even told him straight out that chicks don’t really dig the Force all that much. He would have none of it. Eventually, he did come to terms with the fact that he could either join the party or be miserable all evening.
These are the situations that I want to save him from; no parent wants to see their child with hurt feelings. Even in a less than earth shattering situation like this. On one hand I was trying to be reasonable and trying to get him to be so as well. On the other hand, I could see how much it pained him that the girls could not understand how awesome Star Wars is. To this day I get like that myself, if I like a particular movie or band, and others don’t appreciate it equally, I get hurt. So, I can remember being his age and everything seemed larger than life itself, and I can understand how upset he was.
Fast forward to his teenage years, and we have a whole other world to contend with, dating. When one wears their heart on their sleeve, the world is often a cruel and hard place. It’s not easy being the guy who sends the love note, who dreams of catching a special person’s eye, only to be rejected. Or worse yet still, being the one to sit out the dance for fear of being laughed at. While in my heart I hope that he stays the sweet boy that he is now, and I am confident his values will be in the right place, I know that he will face rejection. Some things do not change; teenagers will always embrace those who walk the wild side. I can already feel his pain of pining for someone, only to be passed over for the “bad boy”. Now, will these things rule his life, I certainly hope not. But, what parent, given the opportunity, would not want to help their child avoid being hurt?
So, when it comes down to it, what does one do? My gut tells me that I need to let Connor discover who he is, through his own experiences, good and bad. I guess the beauty of being of the same soul, is having traveled where he is headed, and helping to guide him on his journey. Maybe I can’t save him from every schoolyard battle or every broken heart. My heart tells me that through the trials and tribulations of life, we are molded into who we need to be. My job as a Dad is help him soar, offer a shoulder to cry on, words of advice, and a pillow to land on if he happens to fall.