Have you ever had that dream where you are in college and realize that its finals week and you haven’t attended class once? You come to, terrified and start scrambling to figure out what work you’ve missed, how to get it all caught up, and how to pass the final. When the dreams get really intense you also realize that you need this class to pass and graduate! I get this feeling from time to time being a young father. I don’t mean young in the sense that I am young (although I wouldn’t call 34 old yet either); I just mean inexperienced, green, a rookie.
I’m the father of a three and a half year old and an 18 month old. These last 3 or so years have proven to be quite the education and only one that you can learn about while feeling quite literally thrown into the fire. All the online preparation, library books, parenting classes, and visits to the doctor lay a foundation, but no one can tell you how to prepare for this transition from an internal point of view. No one can “advise” you on the next best step, or how to mentally come to grips with the transition from child-less to fatherhood. Everyone will attempt to impart their knowledge on you before your time comes, but these are all just anecdotes that will either resonate with you at another point in time down the road when applicable, or they will evaporate never to be thought of again. You just wake up one day and the test of fatherhood is upon you with no real course-work or final exam.
It wasn’t until recently that I truly understood the depth of the term “fatherhood” and what it meant for me, personally and internally; how it affected who I was, am, and will continue to grow into. We have been working on some financial planning developing plans to reduce the debt accumulated from 2 children in 3 years, buying a house, and the general expenses of life. As a father, I made sure to have an estate planning attorney to handle my assets and leave it to my children when something happens to me. Changes at work have left me wondering if I am in the right place with my career and wondering about my professional identity. Having two young boys has also had me wondering if we shouldn’t have taken in to consideration the size of our backyard, and proximity to busy streets more when we bought our house (which was before we became parents). All of these big things along with missing many of the little things that made me, me (fly-fishing, photography, music) had me feeling stressed and unsettled, so much so that I developed an irregular heartbeat…which didn’t help with the already mounting stress levels; no worries though, everything is fine.
For me, in a previous life, issues related to identity and satisfaction were usually opportunities for change and personal growth. I was free to consider new options and play with new and creative ways to redefine myself. In fatherhood, this is entirely different. Personal flexibility is truly one of the things that you sacrifice for the stability and structured environment that makes life with little ones productive, enjoyable, and often times bearable. The tools of my former life that allowed for transitions into healthy change and personal growth are not options any more. There is a loss of my understanding of who I thought I was or am. There is a grieving for this old identity. There is a “moving-on”. Those were the good ole’ days (focus on “ole”, as in gone).
But unlike death, I’ve come out of this transition with an “eyes-wide-open” understanding of who I am. I am a father first…and by choice, not obligation. I made the conscious choice to become a father but only now truly understand what that means. Forever I will understand that when I look at my sons, I see myself, but not in the cliché sort of way. I see the expression of my genes mixed with my wives in the most amazing recipe of creation. I see that in wanting to do everything that I can to provide for and nurture my family, I am passing on the best parts of myself; percolating the things about me that I choose to impart on them because those qualities have served me well, and I know will serve them well also. I truly understand what it means to transition to fatherhood because I have literally given of myself to become a father. Those old methods of adapting to change are gone and the focus on new potential change has to be much bigger than myself; it has to be what is best for us.
See, it’s all about perspective. We are all a little selfish when we are younger, and we should be. How are we supposed to know who we are going to be with a spouse and a family if we don’t know how to live in our own skin? But the tools that were used before are obsolete now. My new tools are mindfulness, understanding of my place in a bigger system (family, society, the universe), and the virtue to be the absolute best at whatever parts of my life are the focus at this moment. These realignments of perspective will carry me through the 3 a.m. feedings, the never ending tantrums, the next challenge at work, the financially tough decisions, and the next time I’m feeling like I’ve lost a little of my own internal compass.
Many of these thoughts don’t necessarily make the minutia of the financial planning, or home buying, or parenting any easier. The stress to make it all right is still there. But the motivation to make change in a healthy and long term sort of way is much greater than it was before fatherhood. I’ll sort out the details of how to make change in my new world; I’m not worried about that part anymore because I know in the true sense of the word what it means to be a father now.
By the way, I like sports, tattoos, and beer too.