Amidst yet another brutal NY winter, I cannot help but ask myself why I chose to move from SD to NY. Which is the better place to live?
I moved to San Diego at age 23 because the quality of life is unbelievable. I moved back to the New York area at age 38 because I was starting a family and want my kids to be surrounded by strong family bonds.
Priorities change as we evolve. However, when I left NY at age 23, I was certain I would never return. I was one year out of college, trying to gain some direction in life. I was surrounded by the massive momentum of my elders and peers who were all either entering, or established in the rat race. I was as clueless as Mr. Magoo, but certain I did not want to get lost in a culture so focused on material gains — Especially one so encompassing that people are forced to either play along or be swallowed whole. So I moved to where so many lost souls migrate: San Diego.
I instantly fell in love with San Diego. Upon arrival I was blanketed under crystal clear blue skies, with only palm trees obstructing my view. Ahhh, it was blissful.
Seemingly everyday in San Diego
The contrast hit me immediately: No one in my face. No massive force compelling me to “do, achieve, or gather”. I welcomed the shift. There is space around you out west: Not necessarily physical space, but personal space. San Diegans embrace the, “Live and let live” lifestyle. With less to prove to themselves and others, San Diegans allow themselves to enjoy more of life’s simple pleasures. The Pacific Ocean is magical: Sunshine, intoxicating: Quality of life, second to none. The progressive views are refreshing and completely in line with my values.
So, why on G-d’s green Earth did I consciously choose to head back into the belly of the beast: Metropolitan New York?
Just looking at this pic gives me agita
After living in SD for some years, I began to notice an underlying motivation fueling San Diegans’ laid back approach to life. True native San Diegans lead a simpler lifestyle by nature. They are a product of a pleasant environment and thus have less edge to them. They are exempt from this exposé. However, many transients seem to have landed there as an escape: a perfect destination to hide from our demons. With no one challenging us, we can live on the surface of life electing to avoid our issues. San Diego lacks deep roots. You don’t see many generational families. You don’t see strong community identities other than those defined by the surface comforts of coastal living. So, while the quality of life is great with few stressors, there is a lack of strong bonds running as thick as blood.
Once I started my own family, I felt a palpable internal shift regarding my priorities in life. No longer were the weather, beaches, outdoor lifestyle, and progressive views so important to me. All I cared about was surrounding myself with deep-rooted bonds of family and friends. Once I took San Diego off its pedestal, it became evident that despite the weather, San Diego is actually a pretty cold place due to the lack of deep roots. People are afraid to go deep into relationships, where life can get a bit messy. As a result, the degree of warmth being shared does not run deep. Think of it in terms of barbequing vs. slow cooking foods; Barbequed foods just don’t cut it in wintertime because they lose their heat too fast: quick to cook, quick to cool.
That is the general nature of interactions in San Diego…like barbeques: fun and delicious, but not for warming you up on the inside.
So, my wife and I decided that if we were going to start our family and grow roots, it should be somewhere with a great root system: The North East.
We packed up our 6 week-old baby girl and drove across the country – just in time for the coldest winter the East coast had seen since anyone could remember. Yet, we felt more warmth through that winter than either of us had felt in years amidst the San Diego sunshine. It’s palpable. Family surrounds us. Even our interactions with strangers carry more warmth than the surface interactions out west. People dig in on the East coast. They get dirty and have strong opinions. It would be refreshing if it were not for the downside.
There is so much going on here, that most everybody is too overwhelmed, overworked, overstressed, and fighting to maintain a modicum of inner peace. Pressure to conform to the frenetic pace seems to come from all sides. If we resist the pace, we end up fighting simply to live against the grain (Let alone having to fight against the weather). Making matters worse, the pent up stress needs to be released. And people don’t seem to mind unloading it here; it’s as commonplace to view people displacing their angst onto others in NY as it is to run across a taco shop in SD.
Rudy’s is the real deal – A favorite during lunchtime on workdays
People have compromised their true nature out here to make sure they’re staying ahead in the rat race. And on some level, most people are pissed about it. But instead of taking a stand, people just try to coerce others to join the race so no one has to be reminded of the freedoms we have surrendered.
As opposed to the “live and let live” superficial lifestyle of the west coast, the East coast exhibits a, “we’ve all agreed to compromise our true self in order to live here, so you should do it as well” lifestyle.
The problem with the NY dynamic is that once we surrender our true nature, we become dependent on others and “things” to fill the void left by our separation from self. We end up trying to control everything in our life to ensure we continue being fed by the people and things we rely on to make us feel good and fulfilled. It’s exhausting.
In conclusion, there are great aspects of both cities I want to infuse into my children. But on the flip side, San Diego can use some deeper roots, supplying a richer experience. “Don’t be afraid to get a little dirty; you will learn more about yourself and grow more in the process”. New York can benefit from realigning intrinsic values with the greater momentum of life. “See if you can find your own peace without putting so much emphasis on outsourcing your happiness”.
Neither place is going to change though. So when it comes down to New York vs. San Diego, the winner is…North Carolina.