As a parenting educator, one of the more common questions I get from dads is: “How can I build my own special connection with my baby?” Some dads feel they are second best to their partners who are around the baby more or doing all the feedings. The good news is that research proves what we already know: dads have an important and unique relationship with their children.
Here are some suggestions for creating that special relationship with your baby:
Be You
Let your personality shine through—you don’t need to try to be the same as your partner. Hold, snuggle, sing to, and hang out with your baby in ways that feel comfortable to you (assuming safety first!).
Mona Delahooke, PhD told me that dads do more sensorimotor play (like roughhousing) naturally with their kids. She says that having dads hold babies, play with infants, and be spontaneously dad-like with toddlers is magic. Mona calls it the “father factor” – those things that dads do naturally that boost social-emotional milestones. If you’d like to read more about this, I suggest looking at this post by Sheila Anderson, PhD at the Wall Street Journal called, Moms, Let Dad Be Dad.
Actually, dads sometimes carry their babies in the “football hold,” which naturally helps their little tummies move uncomfortable gas out! (Image credit: PinkNewbornServices.com)
Hold On
When your baby starts crying, resist the urge to pass him off to your partner. Connecting with your baby means getting to know how to help him when he is upset. Babies usually have a reason for crying: I do explain what those are in this post. However, sometimes parents can’t find the reason for their baby’s cries and just need to hold him close. My son would scream like he was being stabbed, and if I couldn’t figure out why, I’d plunk him in the sling and take him for a walk outside. I’m sure the neighbors didn’t appreciate this!
You might need to have a discussion with your partner (and mother, mother-in-law) that you don’t want a crying baby taken from your arms. As much as your partner might sweat about your attempts at soothing: be firm that you need to try just as they do. You need your chance!
Find Your Groove
Babies love singing, dancing, and silly faces. What is your unique playlist? Ron Lieber, New York Times columnist and author of The Opposite of Spoiled told me that there are certain songs only he sings and dances to with his baby that are not part of his wife’s playlist. He says he sees that his daughter is associating those things with him only, which he loves. This is the groove Ron’s baby daughter is into right now.
Be Part of Daily Routines
Bonding also happens during daily baby jobs like changing diapers, bath time, changing clothes, and feeding. If your child is eating solid foods or taking a bottle, you are welcome to jump in to feed. Even if your partner is breastfeeding, she can hand baby over to you for snuggles afterward.
Alanna McGinn, founder of Good Night Sleep Site (note: this is one of the sleep resources I recommend) suggests that Dads do baby bath time when they can. The whole bathing process will bring baby and Daddy closer together. Please remember that if your baby is a newborn, he’ll only see about as far as from chest to eyes. Make sure you get low so your baby can focus in on you.
Carry On Bravely
One of my master’s degree supervisors used to say this to all of her clients: “Keeping breathing and carry on bravely.” I use this in many parenting situations, particularly to encourage dads to carry their babies.
There are many different kinds of baby carriers: some are more rigid with buckles and snaps, and some are just one massive piece of fabric. Find the one that suits you even if you buy one (slings are an easy thing to find second hand) just for you and your partner has a different one. I liked the one-piece kind but my husband didn’t love that one so he used a three-pieced one.
I’d suggest staying away from this, though: (Image credit: HowToBeADad.com)
As a former breast-feeding mom, I’ll let you know that some days I, and other women, are feeling: Get this kid off of me! Taking your baby out in a carrier—right by your heart—is win/ win for everyone!
Katie Hurley, LCSW, fellow psychotherapist and author of The Happy Kid Handbook, shared that her husband loved taking kids for a walk in the carrier. He’d point out the birds, trees, and dogs along the way. Fresh air combined with special daddy time is great for bonding. She also wanted to remind dads that they need one on one uninterrupted time with their babies, too. Walking, rocking, singing, snuggles, and silly faces: dads can do a lot to help an upset baby feel comforted and loved.
Don’t give up—first attempts at “slinging” often go like this: (Image credit: Dale Sternstein Pinterest)
It is important to note that when you are hanging out with your baby, please turn the screens off. Your baby needs an opportunity to trust you and get to know you better and screen get in the way of this. Although a smartphone screen might temporarily stop your baby from crying, his or her need wasn’t met, and the very crucial my Daddy gets me moment wasn’t created.
Don’t shoot the messenger! The American Academy of Pediatrics listed safe screen use guidelines, which include not using mobile devices with children under two years of age. Save the screens for later—you are what they need and the process of calming your upset child will bring you closer together.
If you would like more parenting information, I invite you over to my Facebook page and to check out my Taming Tantrums App (for iPhone & Android). Parents tell me this app is a life saver!