When I sat down to begin writing this article, I was full of whimsical little anecdotes about my experiences with my twins. Lighthearted exchanges about my successes, my failures, and the countless things I Have learned over the last several years. However, that all changed yesterday morning. When I awoke yesterday, and flipped on the news to begin my day, I expected the usual. I was counting on the weather, traffic, maybe some politics. What I wasn’t counting on was my heart to be broken, to be confronted with a parent’s worst nightmare. I am of course speaking of the horrible tragedy that took the life of a two year old child and left a family devastated. A child innocently playing in the surf, in a place that is the epitome of fun, happiness, and love, suddenly ripped from his family by the jaws of a menacing alligator.
Now, a day later, my thoughts have turned to something else. A singular thought has been running through my head…We can’t always be the Dads we want to be. It is that simple, really, we are conditioned to protect the flock, to keep the wolves at bay, and sometimes we do just that. Unfortunately, as we see far too often, sometimes we just can’t. There are times that no matter how strong, how smart, how protective we are, we can’t do what needs to be done. This resonated with me for several reasons, one being that I am the oldest child, and was raised for most of my life by a single Mother, in a fairly rough neighborhood. I learned early that life wasn’t fair, that bad things happened, and I learned to protect my family. Another reason being that it is part of who I am, I defend women, the weak, the underdog, it just comes naturally to me.
On several occasions I have stepped into a situation that I felt I could make a difference in. I am not stating this to seem heroic, or to shine a light on my good character, it is just something that seemed right in the moment. Trust me, I am far from perfect, my flaws could fill another column. Now, even I will admit, that after some solid thinking, some of the situations I have involved myself in, I did not think things through in the moment. However, that is the point; sometimes there is no thought process, just a reaction. When I stop to think of some the occupations I have held, there is a pattern…Bouncer, EMT, Bartender. Helping, serving people…it just fits me.
All of this was put to the test when my Daughter Grace turned 18 months old; I learned that she had a life altering genetic disorder, Neurofibromatosis. I had to quickly learn that everything I believed would make me a protector was now changed forever. My Gracie would be facing something that Daddy could not beat up, could not chase away, and could not shelter her from. I could not ward off a tumor, not change her appearance, nor fix a potential learning disorder, all now very real possibilities in our lives. Yes, as a family we could get her the best care, love her, support her…but that was not enough for me. I couldn’t get past the expectations that I had placed upon myself, and I fought with myself constantly, to convince myself that I could still be the Father I wanted to be. The feeling of being helpless is like no other feeling in the world, and when it pertains to your heart & soul, it is spirit breaking.
I have no shame in admitting, even 6 years later, that the thought of hopes & prayers being the best I could offer, haunts me. Something happened along the way though, I have learned that crying, that showing emotion, that admitting my fears, my worries & my weaknesses, are a strength. I am teaching my children that it’s ok to be honest, that admitting you can’t do something can be empowering. It’s ok to let my Wife see me cry, to show her that I worry, and that I care. It has gone a long way in healing our family, making us stronger than ever. Our Grace is a healthy, smart, vivacious & beautiful girl, inside and out. As she puts her best effort forward, bringing her smile, her empathy & acceptance of everyone to our everyday life, I will try to match her step for step.
I have to admit, there is another reason why this tragic story of the Graves family has hit me so hard. You see, less than a month ago, I stood less than 100 yards from where the Graves family stood. My family vacationed at the neighboring resort, sharing the same beach, enjoying the same lagoon, doing remarkably similar things. I stood, as Matt Graves did, as a Father. A Father who was basking in the amazing feeling of seeing smiles spread across the faces of his children, who didn’t have any reason to fear the unknown in that moment, who had every right to let his guard down and enjoy life.
Unfortunately, as we often learn, life can change in an instant. The unthinkable, the unexpected, can show up in a flash, taking on many different forms. My thoughts are with you Matt Graves, as a Father, as a husband, as a man. This will not be easy, you will live with that moment, you will think it over, try to see what could have been different. While you are going through these periods, as difficult as it may be, understand that many have stood where you stand. You are a great parent, you did no wrong, you tried your best to do what we do, and you were a Dad.