The title would probably suffice for a Post if I left it at that…statement of fact. Boys are disgusting, men however not necessarily so. Somewhere in the time they leave the nest for college and actually having their own place for the first time they begin to clean up, but for awhile they are just flat NASTY! I know we all look back on our own childhood with jaded views of reality, believing we were the Angle to the Little Devils we seem to spawn, but I can honestly say I was not this bad. My three sons have taken Nasty to an entirely new level…and they are seemingly oblivious to how this really chaps their Parents ass.
For those of you with cute babies, precocious toddlers and adorable eight year old’s I say enjoy it while you can…your day of Reckoning approaches. It will be the beginning of the end when you are no longer welcome at bath time; that seems about the time when you think they can handle things themselves that you realize just how wrong you were.
Remember how you and your spouse laughed and tried to shield the near laser thin stream of urine that would reveal itself as a phantom streak across your shirt till full pressure was achieved to possibly catch you right in the face…soon enough you will walk into their bathroom and wonder if they understand the concept of peeing in the toilet. Those moments when you wiped their baby soft skin with unscented baby wipes because the pure smell of a baby is precious will soon be replaced by skid marks that could nearly walk themselves to the washing machine; you almost wish they would so you won’t have to touch them. You will look back fondly on the memories of waiting for the “Black Tar” to disappear and be replaced by “Mustard Seed Yellow” as you throw one arm over your mouth and nose to fight back the wretch reflex while charging in with the plunger to fight back the beast they seem to have given birth to in the commode that refuses to die a noble death…though already smells as if it passed away awhile ago. You better soak up all that good stuff while you can, you will need the memory of adorable Jr to strengthen your fortitude for the coming darkness.
At some point it will no longer be fun to help mommy and daddy with the vacuuming or housework in general, soon it will be a “Chore”. We did it to ourselves…we as Parents have failed. We called them “Chores”, even the word is hard to say. We should have called them Character building exercises or Life Lessons…take a lesson from the military and call them “Field Days”. That will really screw their heads up.
Remember how much fun it was in school to go on a “Field Day”? Probably to a museum or something cultural, it didn’t really matter because you were not in school. You were on a Bus, in a Big City or in general someplace you had never been before. You were happy to just look out the window, but you couldn’t stop talking with your friends in the back of the bus…you had your own lunch that was probably a Sub and chips, maybe a soda…”Field Days” were fun. The military hijacked “Field Day”, and they ruined it. When I was in “Boot Camp” we were told that Sunday’s were for God and Field Days. I didn’t need a church to talk to God so I was looking forward to the Field Day, Boot Camp was a Bitch, and I thought for sure that they were going to give us something fun to do on Sunday to make up for all of the Bullshit they put us through during the week…I could not have been more wrong. No, a Military Field Day is a cleaning day…Top Down. Dust, Strip the floors, mop, wax, buff, make the Racks, laundry…just Clean… All. Damn. Day. Field Day my ass. On second thought we shouldn’t ruin “Field Day” for them so young, it’s more ironic if they find out for themselves should they enter Service to our Country.
Anyway, some morning they will walk out of the house and return having been bitten by the Lazy Bug, this is very serious. It causes them to forget how the Vacuum works, as well as the location of dresser drawers and the laundry room. It all just sort of interweaves itself into a patchwork quilt of clean and dirty clothes. On the off chance clothes do make it to the laundry room of their own accord do not be surprised if you find a few nicely folded pants or shirts. You will soon discover that when you tell them to do something you will generally be talking to the back of their heads as they walk away to appease you by clearing a path to their bed and not much else.
The Lazy Bug also seems to create a One-way portal from the kitchen/pantry area of your house to their rooms and finally to the Bathroom.. I’m not really sure what prevents the return trek in the arms of my son’s, I seem to have no problem going the other way. It might be age dependent, perhaps my children lack the proper security clearance to see how dishes are done. This Lazy Bug also prevents my children from getting any closer to the dishwasher than the counter above it next to the sink. I know it’s not a physical ailment because they can open the dishwasher when it is clean…though only for a glass at a time. This does come in handy however to help you limit food consumption; if there are no clean cereal bowls they won’t wash one. I know you’re thinking that will conserve cereal right? No, they just go for the coffee cups, smaller amount so it does conserve, however cups are easier to slide under a bed and forget about, especially when there is a wall of clothes concealing you. I’m fairly certain on at least two occasions I have thrown away the cure for Cancer because I couldn’t handle tossing out the congealed mass of milk, fruity pebbles and mold into the sink and dispersing it with the sprayer…at least once I saw it move of it’s own accord.
The Lazy Bug travels in dark circles and chances are if your son got bit by the Lazy Bug it was also infected with entitlement. I’m not sure which bug is worse at this point, but entitlement a right snotty little shit of a bug. You already know that you’re the Taxi till such time as you believe they can handle driving themselves…not even going to go there right now. What you don’t know is that once they hit the teenage years that Shuttle becomes a 24 hour on-call taxi service. Don’t be at all surprised if you deny a request for transportation; due to it being completely inconsiderate of your own plans, to in return be met with a sense of melancholy that truly deserves an Oscar. You must stand fast in your denial, they will live, because if you cave in to some hard exhales, puppy dog eyes and “There’s nothing to do around here…” then you will be their “Bitch” till such point as you turn over the keys..all of this said as my sons Bitch. Of course I rationalize it that I never got to do anything when I was their age…and at least I know where they are…I’m still their Bitch, happily so.
The entitlement bug tends to have a side effect of affecting the Space-Time continuum. Just as it will not register that you might be busy when they need to go somewhere to be with their friends, it will also screw with their sense of time lapse. You will most likely have to tell them numerous times to “Clean their rooms” before it actually get’s done. I have found that a good rule of thumb is daily for at least four or five days before you need to threaten them with loss of Xbox or something of that measure. I pick my battles, I can’t jump their ass for everything, I need to save it for the really important subject matter…but if the worst thing I can say about my sons is they are disgusting little heathens then that isn’t such a bad thing.
My wife and I concentrate on keeping the downstairs clean and “For Company”, the upstairs has been lost to us; Bangkok has her now… We dream of the day when we can begin to reclaim our house room by room, but we also relish the reality that comes with that freedom. It’s a trade off, and all you can really hope is that along the way they is that they start remembering what clean smells like and remember all that you taught them…otherwise your stuck with them because no woman wants to deal with that… I assist my wife in any way possible, were partners. I know my boys see that, I believe that is what they will take away from their seemingly privileged childhood…but every childhood should be privileged; just not disgusting.
Thanks for reading and feel free to tell me about your disgusting little love balls…I don’t know about girls, I tend to think of them being very clean…but I could be wrong.
I posted this on my site, enjoy if you have the time:
http://thoughts.hundredacrephotography.com/2013/02/25/its-ok-to-wave-if-somebody-waves-at-you.aspx