It has become increasingly obvious that the makers of Carter’s baby clothing have very high expectations for the athletic prowess and skill set of my six-month-old boy, Dillon.
“Daddy’s Team”
I must have either been feeling really cocky or else I lost a bet. Under what scenario would, I, the captain of the baseball team pick my 6 month old? I love him a great deal, but babies are TERRIBLE at baseball. Believe me, I’ve tried to work with him, but it’s hopeless. Hopefully, he was at least the last one picked. If not, I’d have to think it would be terrible for the self-esteem of the boy who got picked after him. That kid would have to know that he’s worse than a baby. I’m sure while he cries himself to sleep he tells himself that he was only picked after a baby because of nepotism, but I think we both know the truth. In the grand scheme of things, there are few things more important than winning a pickup game of baseball. Given that Dillon would take an entire day to make it to first base, this whole thing is very silly.
“Short Stop”
OK, yes, I know this is a play on words, but is it really? Sure, babies are short. I’ll give you that, (although my baby is in the 90th percentile for height, so even that’s not really on point). Regardless, he’s not stopping much of anything at the moment, is he? He’s not even stopping the drool from streaming down his face. I try to be optimistic but I just don’t think the 2012 Golden Glove award is in the cards. Besides, even if he can stop the ball, he’s not turning that double play and I feel like no matter how many times I tell him, he’s not going out to cut off the ball properly. The 6 spot simply is no place for an infant even if you are sporting number 77, the number of literally dozens of hall of fame shortstops.
“Future quarterback”
At least this one deals in the future tense, but not every baby can be a quarterback. Sure, my baby has a lot in common with Joe Namath. He has limited pocket mobility and he soils himself. This alone, isn’t enough to predict future success, however. Given the rate that these shirts are being churned out by underpaid Chinese 12 year olds, the odds of all of the babies wearing these shirts becoming a quarterback simply don’t check out. You’ll note, for instance, they aren’t selling any “future offensive lineman” shirts. I would hope for more realism in these expectations but I’ve made a few calls and it turns out the “future human resources director” shirt was pulled after only a few weeks due to disappointing sales.
“Baby Team: All-Star in the Making”
What the hell? I mean the picture of a football makes it seem like maybe this for a football team – but there are no baby football teams. This whole shirt is a non sequitor. Let’s face it, the pace of these baby games is worse than watching the WNBA and virtually every play results in someone rolling offsides. That’s not the main problem with this shirt, though. The big issue is that if I suspend my disbelief for a moment and assume that Baby Team exists, why is my kid “an all-star in the making?” He’s not good enough to be an all-star baby now? He’s just “kind of OK as far as infants go, but with a lot of hard work, he’ll be an all-star baby?” That’s a bold assertion. Thanks for saying my kid is average, Carter’s.
“Little guy on the go.”
This one isn’t a sports metaphor, but based on the imagery, this bib believes my son is qualified to fly a Sopwith Camel. I can assure you he has not logged nearly enough miles as a co-pilot to earn his license and he is ill-prepared for a solo flight. I’d like to have a word with the FAA official who cleared him for takeoff. “No, I will not get in that plane with you, son. I don’t care how many stewardesses you’ve slept with.”
“(not) 2 little 2 dunk”
Ugh. Putting aside the completely unnecessary substitution of the number “2” for the word “too” for a moment, this one irritates me the most. They were so close to placing a semi-cute reality based slogan. It’s as if the the brainstorm session went “Hey, I know. Let’s put just a bit of honesty on this Onesie. How about we write ‘2 little 2 dunk?’” “Are you mad, Johnson? My great-grandfather started the Carter’s company for the purpose of placing wholly unrealistic expectations on baby clothes and here you are disrespecting his memory. Do you think parents who buy this shirt want to be reminded of the terribly depressing limitations of their baby? The answer is ‘no.’ Get out. You’re fired.” (scribbles in the word “not”). “There. Problem solved.” Alternatively, it is possible the shirt is commenting on the dunkability of infants. Indeed, under the optimal circumstances, a 6 month old could certainly be the dunkee rather than the dunker – but David Stern bowed to the pressure of special interests and got rid of the infant dunk competition in 1986 following the unfortunate incident with Spud Webb. But I digress.
“Stadium Football All-Stars 1989”
First of all, what is “Stadium Football?” Real babies play football outdoors as baby football was meant to be played. Stadiums are needlessly commercializing the sport – forcing babies and owners into protracted contract disputes. I don’t mean to harp on about this but anyone who follows Stadium Football even a little knows the possibility of a baby lockout for the 2013 season. More importantly, however, son wasn’t playing Stadium Football in 1989. He wasn’t even born. For that reason, I don’t really understand this shirt. The Children’s Place wants it to look like my son is wearing 23 year old hand-me-downs from some kid who was a Stadium Football All-Star but is now in grad school?
“Shark League Surf Team (All Ocean Champions)”
Look, I’ve watched Point Break on the TBS Superstation at least 5 times, so I consider myself to be an expert at surfing (and shooting my sidearm into the air while screaming). I must admit I am wholly unfamiliar with the concept of surf teams. The code of the ocean is “every man for himself, brah.” There’s no “us” in surf. Well, there is, technically, but the letters are backwards. You know what I mean. Anyway, my baby can’t even stand up. How is he going to be a productive member of the Surf Team? Do they have a boogie board division? Can he wear swimmies? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with any of this. My insurance agent seems to think it’s not a good idea. I’m glad his team won the All-Ocean Championships, but I think, again, it says more about the poor quality of the competition than any contribution Dillon made. Frankly, I’m shocked they made it out of the Shark League Regional Semi-Finals.