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Humans like to be clean. Children like to be dirty. Therefore, children cannot be human. Yes, it’s an easily disprovable fallacy, but allow me to present the facts before you bring biology, observation and real facts into the argument. I believe that parents are constantly struggling with this alien race, striving to add some humanity to the sticky, dusty, besmeared sweat-bombs of oderiferousness that are our children. It’s a full-on war, keeping your kid clean.
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We can’t do this on our own. There’s just…too much. What percentage of a person needs to be pure disgusting before they aren’t technically classified as human anymore? This is why things like Tide PODS, disinfectant wipes and a good old-fashioned bath are a God-send to us. They are helping us reclaim the humanity that our kids willingly give up on an hourly basis.
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I wonder, each day, how my kids can be so magnetically attracted to the messiest of things. Not only be attracted to it, but to just incorporate it into their very essence. Think of a snowball released at the top of a hill. As it rolls, it collects more and more snow and builds its exterior to a much larger, snowy white exterior. Kids are very similar in that, they ensconce themselves in lollipop residue, drippings from every meal, grease, dirt and things that we oftentimes don’t want to guess at.
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The natural reaction for most functioning humans would be to rid themselves of this aura of awful. But they seem to bask in it. They don’t want it off of their clothes or their bodies.
WHY WON’T THEY BATHE?
I swear, at this point my kids should have their Juris Doctorate in shower time law. They can argue longer and harder against bathing than any legal practitioner could on any subject. With every skipped bath and every 4th wear of a t-shirt, they stray further and further from the species they were supposed to be. I legitimately question when the body snatchers came and replaced my kids with beings that exist solely to absorb the grime of the planet.
As parents we need to battle a war on two fronts. We need to mold their minds so they grow up as active contributing members of society. We are the captains, leading them down the mental path they need. BUT, we also need transform them from the outside. Showing them that cleanliness in both body and clothing is fairly essential to becoming human.
WHAT ABOUT THEIR CLOTHES?
The best option is to have those nightly battles about showering. But with all the time spent on that, who wants to spend any more minutes than necessary getting the clothes clean. This is when your kids can go from being aliens from who knows where, to actual humans. Tide PODS make getting the laundry done more simple than it’s ever been. Throw one, two or three liquid laundry pacs pod (depending on your load) in your machine and the clothes they worked so hard on destroying are like brand new, rid of grime and smelling great again. Tide PODS have stain removers built in and a fabric brightener combined within too, so they’re in control behind the scenes.
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They become actual humans (albeit little) in the cleanest sense there can be. I WANT them to be human every day. I just DON’T want them getting into the pods like they do everything else.
Thankfully, Tide has incorporated The Child Child-Guard Tub or The Child-Guard Pack on every Tide POD packaging, which gives me an overall sense of calm, knowing that while they will most likely get into the muddiest, gnarliest things imaginable, only I can get my hands on the antidote. The packaging is childproof – the tub requires squeezing and turning (like a pill bottle!) and the pack is opened by activating a notch. Easy for me, hard for my alien kids. I also keep my Tide PODS stored high and out of reach, similar to my other household items, because safety is always of the utmost importance. THAT is a huge reason why Life of Dad is now a member of the Fabric Care Advisory Board.
As a parent, I need all the help I can get. And at the end of the day, Tide PODS are just another ally in my fight to humanize my kids and my gratitude runs deep. One day these little people will be real life people, I swear it.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This has been a sponsored campaign on behalf of Proctor & Gamble and Tide, however the dirty kids are all ours. For more on Tide and Tide Pods, check them out HERE, on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
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