Babs is turning one year old tomorrow.  She’s a smart kid already.  Really smart.  So smart that I found this report card she created, grading me on my first year as a parent.  All of her comments are in italics.

Reading:  A-

 CommentsDada, I really enjoy when you read to me, but you have to understand that sometimes I would much rather just eat the book than see what is in it.  P.S.  I’m sorry that I digested most of “Goodnight Gorrilla,” I know that was your favorite.

Phonics:  B

 Comments:  Obviously I can’t write any of the words you have taught me, yet, because I’m just a baby.  But…I really appreciate you teaching me what “duckies,” and  “clocks” are.  Can you please stop trying to talk with such a high pitched voice when you’re trying to teach me words?  You voice is nothing like Mama’s.

Spelling:  B+

 Comments:  I honestly have not idea whether you are a good speller or not, Dada.  You could be making up everything you talk to me about…how would I know, I’m just a baby.  Now go make me some toast:  T-O-A-S-T!

Penmanship:  D+

 Comments:  I get it, you’re the dad, so you can tell me what to do sometimes.  Well listen here, mister, I have not forgiven you yet for taking that pen away from me the other day.  I loved that pen.  I wanted to eat that pen.  You took it from me, and I cried.  For the pain you cause, I give you a D+ in penmanship.  Learn some penmanship, old man.

Arithmetic:  B

 Comments:  Aren’t you just a genius, you geriatric.  You’ve only pointed out to me 600 times in the past month that my birthday is coming up, and I’m going to turn one.  Nice counting, Trebek.

Overall:  B+

 Comments:  Dada, I love you and all, but if you want to get an “A” in my book, give me a bottle whenever I feel like it, and don’t ever wash my hair again.

P.S.  Go make me some toast.  Happy Birthday to me.