Babs is turning one year old tomorrow. She’s a smart kid already. Really smart. So smart that I found this report card she created, grading me on my first year as a parent. All of her comments are in italics.
Reading: A-
Comments: Dada, I really enjoy when you read to me, but you have to understand that sometimes I would much rather just eat the book than see what is in it. P.S. I’m sorry that I digested most of “Goodnight Gorrilla,” I know that was your favorite.
Phonics: B
Comments: Obviously I can’t write any of the words you have taught me, yet, because I’m just a baby. But…I really appreciate you teaching me what “duckies,” and “clocks” are. Can you please stop trying to talk with such a high pitched voice when you’re trying to teach me words? You voice is nothing like Mama’s.
Spelling: B+
Comments: I honestly have not idea whether you are a good speller or not, Dada. You could be making up everything you talk to me about…how would I know, I’m just a baby. Now go make me some toast: T-O-A-S-T!
Penmanship: D+
Comments: I get it, you’re the dad, so you can tell me what to do sometimes. Well listen here, mister, I have not forgiven you yet for taking that pen away from me the other day. I loved that pen. I wanted to eat that pen. You took it from me, and I cried. For the pain you cause, I give you a D+ in penmanship. Learn some penmanship, old man.
Arithmetic: B
Comments: Aren’t you just a genius, you geriatric. You’ve only pointed out to me 600 times in the past month that my birthday is coming up, and I’m going to turn one. Nice counting, Trebek.
Overall: B+
Comments: Dada, I love you and all, but if you want to get an “A” in my book, give me a bottle whenever I feel like it, and don’t ever wash my hair again.
P.S. Go make me some toast. Happy Birthday to me.