ENTER THE DESTROYER

I struggled for years trying to figure out who I am. I tried on countless personas, and worked tirelessly to mold myself into who I thought I should be. Little did I know all I was doing was just building layers of ego that would slowly drown out my true expression. When I realized this, my mission was simple: Get back to my true self.

I was born before the Vietnam War ended. I have seen virtually all of my friends become parents. I have witnessed their trials, tribulations, gray hair, and dark circles form under their eyes. I should be wise. Yet my wife Laura and I were cocky and confident we could handle anything thrown our way…with spades. Having a child on the way did not scare us in the least. In fact, we were looking for a worthwhile challenge, so we decided to name our daughter after what we believe to be the greatest journey in life: shedding the ego. That way, we would always be held to the highest standard and would be teaching our daughter by example.

Kali at 6 months in Nicaragua with my wife, Laura

We named our daughter after the Hindu goddess, Kali, “The goddess of death”. That may seem a bit dark, and though her depiction does not exactly appear much more soothing,

the meaning behind the picture actually concerns the death of our demons and destruction of the ego.

Kali is now 8 1/2 months old. She has completely turned our lives upside down. I have been ripped out of my comfort zone. I no longer get to be so self-centered. I have no idea what I am doing or how I am going to take care of all the responsibilities now staring me in the face everywhere I turn. I pray for brief moments of clarity.

I was a fool thinking I would breeze through parenthood. I was brazen to think I would need to go out of my way to challenge my ego. I no longer have time to tend to my image. I don’t have the self-awareness to even know I have spit-up running down the side of my shirt as I leave the house. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. But they say if you resist the goddess Kali, she will appear fearsome. If you embrace her, she will appear very sweet, affectionate, and overflowing with incomprehensible love. Kali has rocked my world, but she is easy to embrace. I am a shell of what I once was…and the happiest I have ever been. The real me has finally emerged, and I thank “The Destroyer” for that: the sweetest little girl in the world.

Embrace the change. Honor thy (true) Self. Learn true Love.