My wife had to work yesterday afternoon and evening so I had the pleasure of some one-on-one time with my little girl. I get so excited about this normally. We have daddy-daughter days every Saturday where I try to find something fun and engaging for us to do together but this time was different. I was in pain. I was on drugs for the pain. Simple tasks become difficult in this state and I was nervous about my effectiveness as a dad for those several hours before her bedtime.
I was right to be concerned, but wrong to think my state of consciousness and pain could hinder my efforts to be the best dad I could be. Lottie is full of expressions and when she’s really happy, she lets out what my wife and I call “the pterodactyl scream”. I generally love it but it made my very weak ears hurt like nothing else. She crawls very fast when she is on a mission (usually to climb into the dishwasher or somewhere else I don’t want her to go), and it both made me dizzy keeping up with her and it hurt my head every time I bent down to pick her up. She is eating more than ever now and I had to sit there as she slowly ate way more than I could even dream of getting down my throat. However, I put up with it because my desire to be a good father and bond with her surpassed my fundamental need to avoid anything that caused me pain. It defied logic but in a way defined fatherhood for me.
In the end, shortly after I took another dose of my paid medication, she and I both fell asleep on the couch cuddling. And as I got up to put her to bed, I realized even though I was running on very few calories and I felt like somebody poured a bucket of gravel down my throat, I was feeling very good about myself. My child needing me and being able to meet those needs, even if it was just to keep her entertained and alive for an afternoon while I suffered, gave me a bit of a healed feeling as well.
