All year long we’ve been rounding up our favorite tweets of the week from some of the funniest moms and dads on Twitter! As 2018 comes to an end, we hope you will enjoy our choices for the funniest parenting tweets of the year!! Thanks for reading and have an amazing 2019!!!
For more Twitter fun, don’t forget to join us over at @LifeofDadShow!
Sometimes my kids complain about something I tell them to do and I say “hey man, I don’t make the rules!” and then I walk away laughing under my breath because I DO make the rules.
— Brandon (@proathomedad) March 11, 2018
Sometimes as a parent there are those moments of pure joy & excitement, like when you arrive at a kids’ birthday party & the host says parents don’t have to stay.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 10, 2018
Me pretending that's not my kid in public pic.twitter.com/iVgBEASlWk
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) March 8, 2018
How to put on shoes like a 5-year-old:
1) Put on one shoe.
2) Ponder the mysteries of the universe.
3) What shoes?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2018
Kids today will never know the struggle of having to go around the house and change every little clock. #DaylightSavings
— Matthew Kabel (@MattKabel) March 11, 2018
Me: Let’s watch the old Mario Bros show on Netflix from when I was a kid!
Daughter: Why is it blurry?
Me: All of the shows used to be blurry.
Daughter: Why is it square?
Me: TV’s used to be square.
Daughter: Why isn’t it funny or good?
Me: YOU MADE ME WATCH CAILLOU!!
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) March 23, 2018
Me after seeing a group of 30 something year old guys gathered to play Pokemon GO: "What a bunch of nerds"
Also me after picking up my son from school today: "CAN YOU TEACH ME TO PLAY FORTNITE RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?
— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) March 19, 2018
My daughter thinks it's hilarious when I accidentally get her math questions wrong but the joke's on her because it's not an accident and she's on her own for homework for 10 more years.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 19, 2018
My style of parenting can best be described as 'Max and Ruby's parents.'
— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) March 24, 2018
My kid just fed me what she said was a raisin. It wasn't a raisin.
Never, I repeat never, eat anything your kid feeds you without double checking.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) August 10, 2018
The first time I realized my kids are spoiled was when they started complaining about not being able to skip commercials at a hotel.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 6, 2018
My mom: wow it’s so nice of Jeff to watch your kids for the next few days while you’re gone
Me: yes, he is very excited to continue to be a father
— sleepy mom (@lauratnelson) August 10, 2018
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 13, 2018
My toddler just looked me straight in the eyes and whispered “I’m NOT crazy.” Which sounds exactly like something a crazy person would do.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 19, 2018
Mom: [carries in womb for 10 months, breastfeeds another 12 months, quits job to stay at home and raise our daughter]
Me: [does the going downstairs behind the couch gag]
Daughter: Daddy’s my best friend!
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) May 15, 2018
My 8yo can’t play video games today, but instead of doing something productive, he’s having his brother loudly narrate his game from the next room.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 12, 2018
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 10, 2018
Me “Go play outside.”
Kids “Ugh it’s too hot!!”
Kids “Will you play with us?!”
Me “Outside? No way! It’s way too hot.”
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) May 8, 2018
2yo: “mommy I did it!”
Me: “that’s awesome, buddy I knew you could do it!”
(I have no idea what he did)
— Melissa (@Fiveoclockmommy) May 10, 2018
My kids made me Mother's Day cards covered in glitter, which is like the opposite of saying I love you.
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) May 14, 2017
My 5yo son just slept-walked into the kitchen, pulled down his pants and peed all over the kitchen table. Glad to hear you are pregnant with your first though.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 4, 2018
My nephews thought my not giving them Easter baskets was an April Fool's joke, but really it's because they're older now.
Aging, the ultimate prank.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) April 1, 2018
(both kids screaming from the living room)
MONSTERS DON'T SPAWN IN THIS AREA! WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED A TORCH! IF I DIE BECAUSE OF YOU I'M GONNA – JUST DIG AND HIDE! WHERE IS YOUR BASE?
It's too early for this
— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket) April 20, 2018
The kids have been away for a few days and I just found a pair of inside-out pants with underwear still stuck to them in my 5yo’s room and clutched it to my chest like an ex’s hoodie.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 7, 2018
My son asked what sides we were having with dinner like we haven’t had mac & cheese and microwaved green beans with every meal since he was born.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) July 17, 2018
WHEN MY DAUGHTER FIGHTS WITH A FRIEND: days of either silence or intense negotiations via text or written note. lots of Adele. tears aplenty. eventual emotional reunion
WHEN MY SON FIGHTS WITH A FRIEND: one punches the other in the nuts. both laugh. then they play Fortnite.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 16, 2018
Lies your children tell:
These shoes fit.
I love these shoes.
These shoes are my favorite.
I will wear these shoes.
— ?your mom? (@eff_yeah_steph) July 13, 2018
Me: (limits screen time)
[5 minutes later]
6: (gets a concussion)
Me: That’s it! Everyone back on their tablets!
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 10, 2018
If anyone is wondering what it’s like to have kids home on summer break, my son’s goal today was to take a shower before I got home at 5:30pm. He failed.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 6, 2018
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he'd carry on playing with its corpse
— Baron Stigmund (@stiggib3) July 1, 2018
8: “Where’s Dad? I need some help”
Me: “I can help you!”
8: “It’s about the TV”
Me: “Dad’s upstairs.”
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 26, 2018
~My two-year old, trying to justify he didn't draw on the table with a red crayon while HOLDING A RED CRAYON.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 9, 2018
Life hack: If you tell the pizza delivery person "Thanks so much, you're making our Pajama Day awesome!" when you and your toddler answer the door in pj's, you transform from the mom who couldn't get her shit together into the fun mom who hosts theme days.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 5, 2018
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) June 8, 2018
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) June 3, 2018
Every single conversation I have
with my kids pic.twitter.com/osbJEa8E7B
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 1, 2018
— DadatWork (@ArtEddy3) August 23, 2018
Damn, looks like I brought the wrong 47 children's books on our road trip.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 22, 2018
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 26, 2018
BEFORE HAVING KIDS: "I am NEVER making separate meals for my children"
4 YEARS LATER: "Let me repeat your order: tri-color pasta (al dente) with butter & cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its."
— Bret Turner (@bretjturner) August 15, 2018
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
— The Baron (@baronvonbike) August 17, 2018
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you're carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 31, 2018
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) September 19, 2018
In case you wondered what having a boy is like. My son just came down from having a shower and smelled no different than before he went in. I asked if he used soap and he responded "not this time" as if that's even a thing.
— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) September 24, 2018
You'll know parents by the way they are compelled to point out any and all cows to anyone who happens to be in the car with them.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) September 17, 2018
Kid: *3 and a half seconds after calling me the worst mom ever* Can you make me a snack?
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 14, 2018
Nothing like seeing a new dad at Disney World find out a Mickey shaped balloon with a glow stick in it is $35. Welcome to the club buddy.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 16, 2018
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 8, 2018
7AM text from mom. Just a quick seven paragraphs.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 31, 2018
“How I wonder what you are?”
You literally JUST said it was a little star. Nursery rhymes are dumb.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 29, 2018
Save a ton of time by never unloading groceries again. Just throw the bags of food directly into a teenager’s open mouth.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) October 22, 2018
I finally posted pics of my kids at a pumpkin patch, so I get to stay on Facebook for another year
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) October 24, 2018
A kids version of the “Saw” movie but they can only escape by eating a sandwich with the crusts on.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 16, 2018
Ahh, I love the sound of my kids’ screen time in the morning.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 21, 2018
God: You’re in charge of naming all the animals.
Dr. Seuss: That’s a Zizzer Zazzer Zuz. That’s a Phiffer Pheffer Phef. That’s-
God: Nope nope nope. Let’s bring you back later. Adam, you’re up.
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) October 10, 2018
My kids know to wait until I’m sick to ask me to upgrade all their iPad games.
Why yes, I will pay $9.99 to unlock all the Strawberry Shortcake baking tools if it means a possible 10 minutes of silence.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) October 8, 2018
9: Where’s dad? I need his help.
Me: Anything your dad can do, I can do. What do you need?
9: When I flushed the toilet, it keeps rising.
Me: Go find your dad.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) September 29, 2018
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 24, 2018
Parenting level 100:
I just smashed fruit loops into the carpet to make it easier to vacuum them up ????
— Weedies (@thisisweedies) November 20, 2018
In hind sight “Up your butt and around the corner” was not the best phrase to add to 4’s vocabulary.
But my God, you should have seen Nana’s face when 4 told her where she could find her glasses.
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) November 20, 2018
CONFUSED SHOPPER DAD: should i buy the odorless candle or the apple-cinnamon candle?
OTHER SHOPPER DAD: apple-cinnamon. it makes more scents!
*tremendous high five attempt, but they whiff*
— TuSoon Shakur (@TuSoonShakur) November 12, 2018
Daughter: can you make me a sandwich?
Me: poof you’re a sandwich lol.
Daughter: MOM HE’S DOING THAT THING AGAIN.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) November 7, 2018
8yo: Mom, will you put ketchup on my hotdog?
Me: You’re old enough to do it yourself.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 5, 2018
Me: *reads first four words of children's book*
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 1, 2018
We're going to an amusement park tomorrow.
So today we're busy threatening to not go to the amusement park tomorrow.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) November 3, 2018
There is no one more drunk with power than a 3 year old who can finally reach the water dispenser on the refrigerator. 6 cups in 5 minutes and counting…
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) November 1, 2018
My husband was looking at his fantasy football scoreboard and my 9yo came up and started reading the team names and said “What’s Finger Bangers?” and I think we all aged a little in that moment.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 6, 2018
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn't 1842
— hype (@TheHyyyype) December 4, 2018
Welcome to parenthood, you need to flush the toilet before you use it too.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) November 29, 2018
SANTA: what would you like for Christmas?
*child hands Santa a note*
"Please look after Melissa. I need a couple of hours to shop and maybe get a coffee. Also, she’s lactose intolerant."
SANTA, to elf: put her with the others
— Bison (@McGrumpenstein) December 8, 2018
Special shout out to the kid at my son's elementary school concert who threw his arms into a cross and yelled "Wakanda Forever!" at the end of his performance.
— Heather M. Jones (@hmjoneswriter) December 14, 2018
Last Friday, my daughter's teacher mentioned to me how nice it is to see how well my kids get along & love each while at school. Now if you'll excuse me, my daughter just punched my son in the groin for using the pencil crayon she wasn't even using…
— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) December 17, 2018
There’s always the ‘Funniest parenting tweets of the week’ but never the ‘Funniest guy living alone in basement apartment tweets of the week’, heck this.
— Matt (@Stap_Jr) September 11, 2018