There are some very funny parents on the internet, so we decided to round up our favorite tweets of the week from some of the funniest moms and dads on Twitter! We hope you enjoy these as much as we did!
For more Twitter fun, don’t forget to join us over at @LifeofDadShow!
Friend: Your skin has such a lovely, dewy sheen to it, what have you been using?
Me: Oh, that’s just droplets from my kids coughing and sneezing directly onto my face.— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 16, 2019
I tell my kids that I’ll always be there for them, even when things are difficult, and now my 13 month old insists on holding my hand while she poops, so… that’s a win?
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) January 17, 2019
I don’t remember Algebra. I do however remember that Rhonda was ALF’s girlfriend’s name, and that John Stamos played drums on Kokomo.
— Jeff (@dadsrpeopletoo) January 17, 2019
I’ve never vacationed alone but I did get to go to the grocery store without my kids one time.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 15, 2019
4: A long time ago people came from monkeys?
Me: Kind of.
4: It would be a lot neater if people came from bats and sharks.When he’s right, he’s right.
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) January 18, 2019
Friend without kids: At least after all that activity, your kids will be so exhausted they won’t fight bedtime.
Me: Bahahahahaha.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 21, 2019
I wish my son would spend less time complaining about his homework and more time not complaining about his homework.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) January 17, 2019
Me: This movie was out when I was young. See that kid actor? They’re an adult now.
10: Uh, obviously. This movie is from back in the nineteen-hundreds.
Me: (feels so old that I decay into a skeleton and crumble into dust)— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) January 18, 2019
*8yo pauses video game, takes sip of juice box, finishes bowl of chips*
8yo: Dad, can I have more?
Me: Not right now.
8yo: You never let me have anything!
*storms into bedroom, kicks off sneakers, turns on Death Star lamp, picks up iPad, puts on headphones, lies on bed*
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 17, 2019
Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what's for dinner.
— Little Miss Angry (@LittleMissAngr1) January 16, 2019
Child: Do you believe in 2nd chances?
Me: Sure. Everyone deserves a second chance.
Child: What about 3rd chances?
Me: Um. What? why?
Child: No reason.
Me: Why?
Child: Nothing.
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 16, 2019
Me: I’m really sticking to my diet this year! Maybe 2019 will be-
Girl Scouts: No.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) January 16, 2019
My kids are fighting over a book about sharing and that just sums everything up nicely.
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) January 16, 2019
All of the stories I tell my kids are just 70s and 80s TV theme songs that I speak rather than sing.
— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 9, 2019
You HAVE to let your kids have screen time because they’re the only ones whose brains are young enough to keep up with the latest technology, and you’re gonna need help.
— Life?UɴPιɴтereѕтιɴɢ (@LifeUnPinterest) January 15, 2019
Marie Kondo: Does this bring you joy?
Kid: *grabbing piece of literal garbage* I’M SAVING IT FOR A CRAFT
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) January 18, 2019
In elementary school, my music teacher made up a song that listed what each kid wanted to be when they grew up, which we performed at a concert. I never forgot that one girl wanted to be a mortician, and we all sweetly sang "Jen the mortician." Wonder if she ever got that job.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 16, 2019
Before kids' cups can be labeled "spill proof," they should be filled with a caustic chemical and shaken over their designer's head.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 16, 2019