There are some very funny parents on the internet, so we decided to round up our favorite tweets of the week from some of the funniest moms and dads on Twitter! We hope you enjoy these as much as we did!
For more Twitter fun, don’t forget to join us over at @LifeofDadShow!
This 5-course gourmet meal is lovely, but I'm going to need you to call it a "snack" or my kids won't touch it.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) October 30, 2018
My 9yo has been abbreviating random words and I just heard her ask her sister if she needed some “papes” to draw on and I think they’ll be able to trace the downfall of civilization to this moment.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 30, 2018
Me: *reads first four words of children's book*
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 1, 2018
Me: Explain to me what “flex” means.
14 year old: Bragging or showing someone up.
14 yo: There’s a YouTuber who—
Me, eyes turn black and starts visibly aging
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) October 29, 2018
8yo: Mom, why were you and daddy making funny noises while I was sleeping?
*flashback to husband and I moaning while eating the kids’ Halloween candy*
Me: I think it’s time we had the talk, son.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2018
Me, pretending to be on the phone with the police: Yes, I’d like to report a candy break in.
My kid: *sniffling*
Me: Yes officer, all of my son’s leftover candy.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) November 1, 2018
I asked my 3yr old where her kidneys were and she pointed to her knees like I was a total moron.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) October 31, 2018
my son's awfully confident for someone who's thrice tried eating potpourri thinking it was a fancy snack
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 31, 2018
At the rate I’m eating their candy, I’m going to have to take my kids trick or treating again tomorrow just to replace it all. Be ready!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 2, 2018
Expert parent move: *Walks onto front porch while on the phone because toddler is screaming*
Expert toddler move: *Locks me out*
Seriously though, I’m on the porch.
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) October 31, 2018
6yo: Daddy, I don’t feel so good. My tummy hurts.
Me: Here kiddo, a little hair of the dog might cure you *throws her a full size candy bar*
— uri5el (@zebrasyndicate) November 1, 2018
I think Grandma is ready for us to come pick up our kids.
She hasn't said it directly.
But all of her updates to us are just lists of things our kids have broke.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 4, 2018
4: *walks past two bathrooms*
*walks past kitchen sink*
*walks past three wastebaskets*
*walks onto brand new rug*
*walks up to brand new couch*
Daddy, I have to throw uuwaaauugh
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) October 29, 2018
My kids are in my mother-in-law’s garden fighting over a rock with the word “Tranquil” painted on it and irony like this is what makes parenting worthwhile.
— fancy bird? (@hideyhole11) November 1, 2018
When choosing a name for your baby, consider how it sounds when you replace song lyrics with it because you’ll be doing that a lot
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) October 29, 2018
Motherhood is putting the same 7 objects away 30 times a day.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 3, 2018
Classic works of Halloween fiction:
– Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
– Dracula by Bram Stoker
– It by Stephen King
– Goosebumps series by R.L. Stine
– THEY'RE PUTTING DRUGS IN THE TRICK-OR-TREATER'S CANDY PLEASE SHARE by your Aunt Linda on Facebook
— ℙ𝔸𝕋 (@PatsHoppedUp) October 31, 2018
Anytime my wife and I show each other affection our son gets upset and physically separates us.
So we basically gave birth to the nun at a high school dance.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 30, 2018
When I was a kid I couldn’t wait for flying cars and jetpacks like in the Jetsons.
Now that I’m a parent I just want the push-button meals and laundry and a robot maid.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) November 2, 2018
We're going to an amusement park tomorrow.
So today we're busy threatening to not go to the amusement park tomorrow.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) November 3, 2018
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted "tooth fairy" so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
— Tracie Tom (@tracietom) November 4, 2018
There is no one more drunk with power than a 3 year old who can finally reach the water dispenser on the refrigerator. 6 cups in 5 minutes and counting…
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) November 1, 2018