There are some very funny parents on the internet, so we decided to round up our favorite tweets of the week from some of the funniest moms and dads on Twitter! We hope you enjoy these as much as we did!
For more Twitter fun, don’t forget to join us over at @LifeofDadShow!
[at child’s birthday party]
Friend: You look good in yellow.
Me: (in a hazmat suit) Thanks
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 28, 2019
My 7yo just asked me why mattress companies bother to put a design on the mattress when it's just going to be covered up by a sheet, and this is a perfect example of the constant questions kids ask that make you feel like an idiot.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) January 30, 2019
DAUGHTER: dad, have you ever noticed your fingernails grow at different paces & you can track their growth over time to determine the speed of each one? my right ring finger is the fastest of mine with my left pinky a close 2nd
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 30, 2019
My kid likes “gamer music” that sounds like someone tossed a can of nails and a lightsaber into a running washing machine, but he has a favorite Beatles song so I haven’t failed completely.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) January 31, 2019
*9yo hasn’t come downstairs in 3 hours
Me: *Quietly opens a package of Oreos
9yo: *Suddenly standing an inch away from me* What are you eating?
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 29, 2019
4: Can I have some candy?
4: You know when you die I can eat candy all the time.
Me: *starts sleeping with one eye open*
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) January 30, 2019
The difference between an amateur parent & a veteran is knowing to ask, after your child says they’ve showered:
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 30, 2019
Want to know what it’s like having kids? I’ve been trying to compose a 2-sentence text for 45 minutes.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 31, 2019
I just want my kids to go to sleep so I can eat the Oreos I told them we had to save for their school lunches
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) January 29, 2019
It’s so cute how my kids think that yelling things like “You’re the meanest mommy in the world!” and “I don’t even like you anymore!” is somehow going to change my parenting style. LOL, so precious.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) January 30, 2019
Had to make “Don’t lick the baby” a rule because toddlers are really, really weird.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 2, 2019
[child screaming and crying and yelling]
Wife: I SAID STOP IT OR I'M GETTING YOUR FATHER
Me: [silently exits house disguised as potted plant]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 28, 2019
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 30, 2019
I’m starting a new cryptocurrency called Napcoin where parents will bid on and drive the value of uninterrupted nap time.
— EdelBrice 🥨 (@StranDadAbroad) January 28, 2019
There will be a blizzard tomorrow, so daycare asked if we’ll still send in our toddlers.
I love them to death…but those kids will be there even if I need to fashion a dogsled out of crib slats and broken toys held together by sippy-cup residue.
And that’s “snow” joke. 😏
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 29, 2019
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4: I’ll have whatever Dad is having.
Me: Dad is having cream of wheat.
4: I’ll have Cocoa Puffs.
— Julia Brooker (@mykidsareahoot) February 1, 2019
*2.5yo goes from crying to dancing in less than a min*
Me to husband: she has such drastic mood swings!
H: *gives me a look*
Me: yeah ok, I’m moody but not like that… she’s just so intense!
Me: OK, FINE, SHE’S MY EMOTIONAL CLONE. YOU WIN.
H: *sighs* no one wins here…
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 28, 2019
Toddlers are cool because they’ll casually walk around with a urine-soaked sack of feces strapped to their waist and when you offer to take it from them they’ll scream in your face.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 3, 2019
If anyone is wondering why the pizza box reads, "Remove cardboard before baking," feel free to ask my 17yo son.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) January 29, 2019
I was playing tag with my kid in the park and he fell and started crying. My wife asked me if I was going to check on him. Why? So he can tag me and make me it? I’m not falling for that one again lady
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 30, 2019