Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week!

Lies your children tell:
These shoes fit.
I love these shoes.
These shoes are my favorite.
I will wear these shoes.

— ?your mom? (@eff_yeah_steph) July 13, 2018

My husband told me that one day our children will read my tweets.

Thank goodness, because this is the closest thing to a baby book I’ve done.

— InsoMOMniac (@insoMOMniac) July 12, 2018

From another room I just overheard my son say “well that didn’t go as planned” and I’m genuinely afraid to go inspect the situation.

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) July 14, 2018

One man’s trash is
the most interesting thing my toddler found on our 40 minute walk.

— Mia Carella, Writer (@mia_carella) June 16, 2018

My 4 year old asked me to stay with him while he falls asleep because he’s scared, and now he’s deliberately tangling his legs up with mine so I can’t get away without waking him.

— Goats? (@Gooooats) July 11, 2018

Kylie Jenner: 20 years old and worth $900 million.

Me: 36 years old and just rinsed out a Ziploc bag to reuse for the 900th time.

Guess we're both living the dream.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 12, 2018

Why walk just anywhere when you can walk through the pile of crumbs mom just swept?

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) July 10, 2018

Made it to that level of dad where you buy a newspaper on vacation.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 12, 2018

My kids are attempting to play duck duck goose. There’s only two of them. It’s not going well.

— Katie (@good_one_rick) July 11, 2018

Never judge a book by its cover… and never judge a parent who has more than one kid by the inside of their family car.

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 11, 2018

Someone needs to write a book for kids’ OTHER milestones like…

Baby’s First Swear Word

Baby’s First Projectile Vomit

Baby’s First Diaper Explosion

Baby’s First Floater in the Public Pool

Baby’s First Violence Against an Older Sibling

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 12, 2018

When you wake up and the first text you see confirms you married right. pic.twitter.com/l9qZ7xlbzi

— Brian Brushwood (@shwood) July 12, 2018

My son asked me to guess his 4th favorite video game, and I did it on my second try, so I’m pretty sure we are spending too much time together.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 12, 2018

Me: (limits screen time)

[5 minutes later]

6: (gets a concussion)
Me: That’s it! Everyone back on their tablets!

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 10, 2018

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 10, 2018

The rules of this game my kids just made up are very long and complex, but on the plus side, they are completely arbitrary and the later rules directly contradict the earlier ones

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) July 12, 2018

My 3yo had a nightmare and I told him there was nothing to worry about because it’s not real.

So now he walks around saying “dreams don’t come true” and I guess I can’t really argue with him there.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) July 13, 2018

My boys have turned the bathroom into what can only be compared to a porta potty at an outdoor concert. I think my only option is to move.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) July 14, 2018

Me, to kids: “Go to bed; it’s so important for your health to get enough sleep.”

Also me: stays up until 2am watching “cats being jerks” videos on Youtube.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 13, 2018

Life with young boys:

Boys: Here’s two sticks, LETS FIGHT.

Boys: Two rocks, LETS FIGHT.

Boys: Two toys, LETS FIGHT.

Boys: Two cute kittens, LETS MAKE THEM FIGHT.

— Kerry ? (@whatbabytalk) July 15, 2018

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven't you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

— Northern Lights ? (@PinkCamoTO) July 14, 2018