When my kids get gifts from childless people, it’s typically a very nice gesture. Someone went out of their way to get something your child will hopefully love. At face value, it’s wonderful and it really should be the thought that counts. But the reality usually goes a little more like this:

“Oh Good. Uncle Kevin has sent another birthday gift for little Jennifer. Does Uncle Kevin know that Jennifer is 5 and not 16? Why does Uncle Kevin think she needed this drum set?? I guess it’s better than the Lawn Darts he got her for Christmas.”

We all know that you can’t expect people with no experience to make the right decisions. You wouldn’t expect your plumber Steve to come to your house and be able to translate Vietnamese. It’s just not part of his particular skill set. It’s the same with having kids. Those unencumbered by children get to witness the fun parts. They are the cool adult. Things are exciting with them around. They generally don’t have to dive into the reality of the day-to-day.

Knowing this logic about the gift givers still leaves me baffled. Somehow gift purchases from childless people always seem to be entirely stripped of all sense of reason. The noise. The assembly. The age restrictions. The pieces. Oh dear Jesus…. The pieces. It will be a magical day in my life when any and all bead jewelry kit makers stop trying to break into the kid market.

I Imagine The Conversations In Those Companies Go Something Like This:

“Sir, we have 42 billion choking hazards as leftovers from our munitions plant. What should we do with them?”

“Put them in a pink box with string and market them to unwitting aunts and uncles.”

“Not the parents?”

“Oh dear God no! They would never do that to themselves.

Back in the day I was guilty of this as well. Tucker and Elizabeth, I’m truly sorry for that Robot Dog I got your daughter. In retrospect, the noise and lights were less awesome, and way more cacophonous and seizure inducing. Please forgive me. I had no kids. I didn’t know.

So very many of the toys that my house has been inflicted with…. I mean, “gifted” have been silenced with the most magical lie I know. “They don’t make batteries for that toy anymore.” Soon, those are relegated to the paperweight pile of toys that collect dust in the corner. I could easily be a Toy Story villain in an upcoming sequel.

Before I’m accused of being too curmudgeonly, understand that my house is packed with toys. I’m always on the floor playing with them. They are everywhere and I really do appreciate it when others get things for my little guys. But also know that I’m keeping a list, and repayment will come. When those people have kids, I know to buy them kazoos.  Those with lush carpeting will be getting Play-doh everything and all daughters will receive any craft containing glitter. If they don’t happen to have kids, they’ll be receiving birthday parrots, or whatever bird makes the most noise at the hint of a dawn.

 

What’s Up Next? Click here if you’re a fan of quiet times.