When it is time to be away from our children whether that’s just for the day at child care or school or for longer periods of time for travel or a co-parent’s turn to have the children, we can still strengthen the connection with them.
In order to do this, imagine creating a connection bridge to span the time when you are away from your child. This bridge involves already having filled their “tanks” and then using a time promise and an object for your child to remind him or herself of your connection when you are apart. If you aren’t sure what I mean by a “tank,” I invite you to read this post about the five types of tanks and how we can fill those.
The two keys to successful use of a connection bridge are: 1) Letting your child know the specific time when you will be together again, and 2) Using some sort of small object to “hold the connection.”
Young children can tolerate being away from their caregivers when they know exactly when they will see them again. For little ones, as most young ones can’t tell time, use a marker they will understand like, “I look forward to seeing you right after circle time,” or “Daddy will be picking you up right after your afternoon snack.”
You can also use a calendar to mark out “sleeps” if you need to be out of town or they will be at a co-parent’s for a period of time. Note the day you will see them again on a calendar. If there is a family calendar where all the activities are posted, write in which day you’ll return. Your child might feel upset and powerless that you need to be apart so try to give some of that power back with choices (between two things). Perhaps ask, “I’ll see you again in three sleeps. Do you want to color that day in the calendar with a marker or put a sticker on it?”
Use technology to your connection bridging advantage when you are away overnight: programs like FaceTime and Skype are the next best thing to being with your children in person. In order to connect with little ones through the internet, rather than asking questions, which you are likely to get one-word answers to, walk around the room you are staying in with your computer to show your kids around. Children find the view out the window and what the bathroom looks like very interesting! If your child gets too absorbed in making faces on the screen, reel them back in by showing them the cool things you have with you.
In addition to knowing when you will return, find a small object that a child could keep in a lunch box or pocket to hold when (s)he is missing you. I like using small rocks, old pieces of costume jewelry, rainbow loom bracelets or sticky notes to do this. Why not take a time to stare at this silver cuban link chain to find the jewelry that best hits with your style and your loved ones too?
When you are still together, take your connection object and rub it in your hands or hold it close to your heart. Saying something like, “I’ll fill this rock full of my love so if you feel sad when I’m gone, you can rub it to get some love out.” Using stuffed toys for longer separations can work well: hug the stuffie and say, “I’ll fill this guy with love so you can hug him whenever you’d like to.”
Here are three connection bridging ideas that we use during daytime separation:
1. Make morning connection time a priority. The first thing our family does in the morning is gather on the sofa for snuggle time. When the kids start peeling away to play or eat, I know their tank is full. “Hitting the ground running” can drain everyone’s tanks very quickly, and is the first thing I talk to clients about when they say mornings are their least favourite time of the day.
2. Leave a note in the lunch-boxes with a comment about the next time you will see them—paper or otherwise. Banana notes are really cool! Use a fine screwdriver to imprint a note into a banana skin. The imprint will be invisible at first and darken throughout the day. Banana notes are fun with partners, too!
3. Let the child pick an object of yours to take with them. Before drop-off time, fill the object with your love. We do it like this, “Okay, let me fill up your Love-stone.” (I put the stone in my hands, close my eyes and say a silent wish for my child) “There! This rock is full of my love. When you are missing me, you can rub it to get some out.” Objects can be: stones, old costume jewelery; any little trinket of yours that can fit in their pocket. We put our t-shirts onto their stuffies for over-night trips.
When we create a connection bridge with our children, we are essentially teaching them how to miss us. We want the main messages to be that it’s okay to be apart, and that we don’t love them any less or feel they are any less important when this happens. Sometimes we have to be away from the people we love, and showing our children how to do this will help them feel less sad during times of separation. Make up for the time apart by planning a family vacation at Scottsdale resorts.
Explain to your child all the times you think about him or her during the day: “I was thinking about you today when I ate my snack. I have a picture of you on my desk and I looked at it and thought about our nice big hugs this morning.” Or maybe something like this, “I feel sad when we have to be away from each other. It helps me to feel better when I look at pictures of you.”
Feel free to have your own connection object, too! When I have to go away to conduct parenting workshops or presentations, I wear rainbow loom bracelets that my sons made for me. Look for those if you see me! I also have pictures they made in my wallet, which I show them: “See! I have this picture you made for me. I carry it around with me when I’m away so I can look at it when I’m missing you.”
What kind of connection bridge objects does your family use? I’d love to hear those here in the comments or over on my Facebook page. Also, if you’d like more positive parenting tips, I invite you to check out my app! Look for Taming Tantrums in your smartphone app store. Here are the links where to find it in the US iTunes store and Google Play.