Yesterday I received a very nice email from a company that builds rockets (name withheld) informing me that I would not be interviewing with them for a writers job. I felt that was unacceptable and responded back in order to share my feelings. The following was sent to the HR department and the CEO. I hope when that CEO reads it the HR people will not be in too much trouble for almost allowing me to slip through their fingers.

Dear ***** *,

Yesterday I received your email stating that you “will not be moving forward” with me in the interview process for the position of Writer/Editor. I do appreciate hearing back from you in any capacity, as it is more of a courtesy that many employers offer these days, but unfortunately I cannot accept this denial to interview me. I am writing this as my formal refusal of your refusal.

I have tried to come up with a reason as to why I was not selected as a possible candidate for this position. While I am not thoroughly familiar with avionics and the technical aspects of sending rockets into orbit, I am completely at ease with converting dense, opaque and absolutely joyless tech descriptions into something any recipient of a press release would consider a literary triumph. I could craft a narration they would read to their grandchildren to ease them into a gentle slumber before carefully placing the well worn leather bound tome back onto the bookshelf; nestled snugly between Alexander Pope and Jean Baptiste Racine.

So naturally your refusal can’t possibly be based on my writing. Then it hit me! I had solved the conundrum!!! I previously noticed on your website that the ***** * team members have done some zero gravity training flights. I have no doubt that this is essentially your morning commute to a company that so elegantly and seemingly effortlessly straddles the cutting edge of Aerospace Engineering. After doing a bit of research I learned that one of the effects zero gravity has on the brain is a build up of fluid. Blood that would normally be pulled downward by gravity just sort of floats on up and gives your noodle a bit more of it than it usually has, or needs. I can only assume that you reviewed my resume just after you arrived to work on your zero gravity flight. I’m no physiologist, but I imagine that some amount of saturated-noggin induced befuddlement must have caused you to accidentally lump me into the “do not interview” pile. I know I can be foggy after only a short time on the 405, gravity and all, so I totally understand the mistake.

I’m glad I was able to clear this up for you and give you a second chance at scoring the best possible candidate for the position. I’m free Tuesday afternoon if that works for you.

Patrick Quinn