Welcome to month nine of your pregnancy. If you haven’t already been stepping up on all the chores in the house, first of all…. What the F man?? Didn’t we talk about this?? Secondly, it’s time to play catch-up, put on your Mr. Belvedere game face and begin doing ALL OF THE THINGS. Seriously. Don’t mess around on this one. You’ll be taking it all over for a number of reasons. Obviously it’s because it’s what any normal man would do, but also because your lady friend probably isn’t super comfortable….. 24-7 at this point. This is her month to chiiiiill.
Another fun thing for her is her center of gravity is all out of whack. Imagine if you were swinging a 30 lb kettlebell around in your Star Wars t-shirt everywhere you went, I imagine you’d be off balance too. So escort your gal to a couch and let her do the babymaking legwork.
Don’t forget that even though it may look as if she is harboring an alien, she is still your loving wife or partner AND she’s still human and needs to eat for two! We shouldn’t have to remind you that this alien bump isn’t going to allow her to accomplish simple tasks with much success. Unless she has arms as long as David Robinson, standing in front of the stove and trying to fry an egg is no bueno. So start telling Alexa what to add to the grocery list and get your rear to the store – get proactive and take some time to prepare her some easy-to-grab snacks. Healthy is always a great option, but we understand and won’t dock any points if you happen to toss some queso and chips into the rotation. Call it “Sipping Cheese” to make it seem more fancy.
Just think, only a few short months ago you had a little blob of cells. Now, your little one is becoming a powerhouse. The muscles have developed and they are going to be way stronger. That’s not to say it’s time to get some bronzer and shiny bikinis for the bodybuilding competitions, but your lady will be feeling some BIG kicks and loads of movement. And all that movement is going to be pushing on her bladder, so we’d advise against any road trips. Unless you’re truck stop enthusiasts, in which case go for it, and reconsider your hobbies.
Your baby also is losing the vernix that protected the skin. Now your baby will be all wrinkly. Like having a little Shar Pei inside! And like most dogs, your little one is peeing…a lot. And that is hilarious.
This is the home stretch, amigo. You don’t need to keep the car running, but leave those hospital bags by the front door and be on the lookout for any signs that it’s time to boogie.
Here are some MAJOR suggestions.
- No “Guys Night Out” this month
- You need to make yourself available 24-7 now, so stick to spritzers and ice water if you do socialize.
- Make sure your car stays fueled up.
- Sure, having an ‘Exxon Baby’ would be a killer story down the line at Thanksgiving dinners, but wouldn’t it be nice to deliver in the hospital rather than on a folding chair next to an arc welder and stack of oil filters? Keep a towel in your car because…… just trust us.
By now, your lady has had contractions but most were probably Braxton Hicks, which aren’t the real deal ones – those are the generic ones you really don’t need to worry about. Not exactly sure who came up with that term, but man, that needs a better name, like pump fake, or jook contractions. Let’s work on this for the next baby. At this point in the pregnancy, here are the contractions you need to worry about.
- Contractions that last for at least 1 minute occurring every 10 minutes or less.
If she’s experiencing these, that means it’s time to get in the car and mosey on over to the hospital, or fill the pool if you’re doing a home water birth. Deep breaths when you’re driving. You, and her. Take it easy and be calm. You want to get there safely. Yes, it’s exciting, but you need to have some control – you’re not trying to qualify for pole position at Daytona.
Now that you’re at the hospital, let the doctors do the work. Be supportive any way you can, but try and stay out of the way. Help if you’re asked. Just being there to comfort your wife or partner and hold their hand will hopefully put her mind at ease and a smile on her face. If not, time to break out the hockey goalie mask and full-pads… it’s goin’ down!