My youngest son is just about one year old right now. He’s well out of the whole “immobile gelatinous blob” phase kids go through, but still eons away from any sort of independence. He’s constantly on the move with an attention span that that can be generously described as “Goldfishian”. That’s paired with an insatiable drive to shove any and all of the world’s choking hazards into his mouth. His adventures are confined by physical restrictions “damnable lofty door knobs might as well be in the clouds” and it seems like emotional ones. He won’t wander all too far before a panicked loneliness sets in. This generally takes hold at the far-flung distance of 8-9 feet from where my wife or I are standing.
What is both the problem and the cutest thing ever in this stage is that he simultaneously wants to be held and set free. If I hold him, his life’s greatest desire is for me to put him down. But if I put him down, it’s absolute tragedy. A betrayal on every level that his tiny little brain can fathom.
I imagine this to be his inner dialogue.
“Oi, you tosser!!!!!! Hoist me up right this second or you’ll have my fist in your gob”
“What are you on about putting me down????!!!!! You fink because I say I want sumfin you should give it you utter bell-end???? ”
(Apparently my son’s inner voice is foul with Cockney slang.)
I just laughed at the dichotomy of needs my son would display, but then something dawned on me. All of my kids do the same exact thing. Only being older they’re better able to cope with, and hide, aspects of their needs. Sure, my 10 year old daughter has an “eye roll” that could challenge even the most hardened teenager. But her “little girl” pops up unexpectedly almost every day. She wants to be able to run with her friends outside, attend all the sleepovers and have unlimited access to a phone. But at the same time, she’s still looking to her parents for guidance on almost everything, can’t go to sleep without being tucked in and sung to and runs to us every time she scrapes a knee.
Our son is even more in that boat. He’s only just getting his first tastes of freedom from the house and loves it, but fiercely clings to home, his parents and his comfort zones.
I suppose instincts like that never really go away. Even as adults, I know a lot of us would love to just have mom or dad there to take care of the bumps, bruises and pains that life throw at us. For my youngest now, it’s just his reality and it’s all he knows. For now I’m loving his own inner turmoil as he tries to decide what he wants and keeps coming up with the same exact solution. He wants both, and he wants both now. Reality and logic will be acknowledged some other day.
