Ever had someone tell you to shut your kid up?
Well, it’s these moments I call teachable one’s, because I’m a father of a child that happens to be diagnosed with Autism.
I’m 6’4″ and a bit over 300 lbs. Some say I wear my weight well, but the reality is I can come across as intimidating… especially if it’s late or I haven’t had my coffee. But I’m I nice guy, really I am!
Now my son, whom I call Short Stack, has his own challenges – one of which is dealing with transitions. Wait too long in one spot when he wants to move… or if you don’t move fast enough, he starts acting out a bit. He’s gotten better over the years, so it’s something we’ve been working on. Standing in line and waiting one’s turn is something he’s become ok with…. at least most of the time.
I like to share this story because it’s one that shows how easy it is for someone in the general public to not understand what is really going on in a situation. Sometimes technology and our current society gets so wrapped up in itself that we lose site on the practice of empathy.
Standing in line at a grocery store, my son was in the shopping cart – counting the aisle numbers that he saw. He loves his letters and numbers. Counting the aisle numbers, or making sounds and stimming is a way that he copes with transitions.
The couple in front of us was attempting to buy alcohol with food stamps. And of course the cashier was refusing to take food stamps as a form of payment for the alcohol.
Suffice it to say, the lady raised her voice – got mad – and proceeded to berate the cashier. The man she was with pulled out a large roll of cash out of his pocket and was ready to pay, but that just made her more angry. A few folks were starting to take notice, but to them it could appear that the scanner didn’t scan the price properly and the customer was bringing it to the cashier’s attention.
The discussion however escalated and extended our wait time… and thus the story continues….
Of course, all this sensory input was affecting my son’s attitude – and he proceeded to get louder, more repetitive in his actions. He was trying to cope with the person in front of us having a raised voice, the various cashier’s scanning items with the registers going “beep” and “boop”… and all the rest of the noise that a busy grocery store usually has at that time of day.
Then, it happened.
The lady turned towards me and told me to “shut my kid up.”
I don’t think she noticed me at all, because as she said it she had to change the look of her eyes upward.
A teachable moment had just begun. As some folks noticed the elevated tone of her voice, you could almost hear people stopping in their tracks… and also see by this time that the manager was walking towards the cashier.
Sometimes being a big and tall guy means that you tend to become the wall that people ignore. Maybe that’s why I get bumped into a lot in large crowds… but I digress. But when something like this happens, people will tend to take notice rather quickly. The guy she was with was a good foot shorter than me, and even he had the look on his face of “oh, crap”.
But… I’m a nice guy… really, I am!
Within a split second I told her in my best fatherly tone that my son has Autism, followed by the simple reminder that she should’ve known that food stamps don’t pay for alcohol. Then I asked her what her problem was in the same tone.
She stopped what she was doing and told the guy she was with to pay the cashier and walked out of the store.
I was also reminded in that moment that my voice tends to carry. The checkouts on either side of the one we were in all stopped, with the manager looking at me – nervously asking if everything was ok. Which I then smiled and told him everything was fine now and proceeded to let him know that the cashier did a great job.
After loading up the shopping cart from checkout and as we walked towards the exit and parking lot, another couple said that they know several folks who have children who are also on the Autism Spectrum. Another opportunity presented itself. Another teachable moment.
In all this, what did Short Stack do? He laughed and smiled as we walked out of the store. He knew that I was there to protect him, to defend his rights. After the quieting down of the initial situation he calmed down.
The fact is, most people actually do understand and empathize in a situation. Sometimes we must remind people to wait their turn and to respect one another.
At times we all have those moments. Sometimes we are like the cashier, being yelled at because someone wasn’t being respectful of the rules. – or we could be like the customer’s, witnessing a situation. I’m also sure we all could’ve felt like my son at one time or another – the chaos of the world occurs right next to us – and we are just trying to cope.
I’m sure the lady was just trying to make the best of a bad day and was pushing to make that happen within her frustration. But like most things done out of frustration, we tend to not address it correctly and can mess up in the process.
I wish I didn’t have to speak up, but sometimes we have to. It’s our responsibility to do so.
We’re all on a mission here… to be the best we can be, and to pass that along to our children and to encourage one another.
Next time, however, I need to remember to buy some more coffee.