I’ve been a stay at home dad for 4 months now. These are the things I’ve learned….

  • The house is only tidy for the last 20 minutes of nap time and just before you go to bed (if you are lucky)
  • No one stalls for time better than a 6 year old at bedtime

  • Once they have learned to open doors you are screwed
  • Kids will want to eat the only product you are out of
  • A toddler grabbing the TV remote and changing the channel is cute (…….the first time)
  • Once they’ve sampled chocolate there’s no turning back
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  • Sudocream is not your friend
  • You can never have enough wet wipes.
  • If they are quiet then they are eating chalk in the playroom
  • To a toddler there is no difference between a bowl of dog food and a sandpit.
  • If a dogs water bowl is left unattended a toddler will perform a version of the ice bucket challenge with it.
  • Just because someone loved a food yesterday doesn’t mean they won’t hate it today.
  • Play doh is evil.
  • The 5 second rule gets more relaxed by the day/child.
  • Don’t let them catch you eating chocolate.
God help if they ever find out secret chocolate stash! 
  • God help if they ever find out secret chocolate stash!
  • If it fits in your child’s mouth it will go in your child’s mouth
  • The only way to see if it fits in your mouth is to try fit it in there.
  • Bathwater is a delicacy in the baby world.
  • No matter how many wees are had previous to a car journey the words “I need a wee” will be uttered.
  • Distraction is your best friend
  • You will be ‘baby shackled’ at the most inopportune times (see below).
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  • Your dinner is no longer yours and yours alone.
  • Toast is king.
  • You will never drink a full cup of coffee again.
  • Silly faces, raspberries and peekaboo resolve a whole host of issues.
  • Babies will dance to anything (including the go compare advert).
  • Minecraft isn’t a game it’s a lifestyle choice.
  • Kids are a great excuse to watch cartoons (and the Goonies)

  • Once you’ve hummed/sang the theme tune to Paw Patrol once you are screwed.
  • Naked babies will wee on the floor.
  • Wee on the floor is slippy. (That was a low point)
  • If you mention the word ‘bath ‘ you better be willing to run one.
  • It takes longer to get everyone in the car that it does to get there.
  • For children’s development it’s better that they dress themselves. (For your sanity it’s better that you do it).
  • Your PlayStation is now your child’s PlayStation
Not now I'm playing Lego Avengers

Not now I’m playing Lego Avengers

  • Forget trying to watch TV
  • “If you wake her I will cut you” is a perfectly reasonable sentence.
  • You’ll never cease to be amazed by the contents of a nappy.
  • Unattended nappies and dogs do not mix (another low point)
  • If social services read this you’ll be getting a visit.

That’s all for today.

Do you have any other humorous advice for stay at home parents?

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