On December 1st, at 10:14AM, in Los Angeles CA, a boy was born. In HIS words, here are the first five minutes of his life…
Slimey! Ewwww…where am I, on “Double Dare?
Why is everybody wearing blue? Oh no…don’t you dare point those scissors at my umbilical cord. That has been my food supply for months. Don’t touch it!!! Nooooooo!
Wait a second…I know this girl they are handing me to now. She’s pretty. Where do I know her from? Oh yeah, I’ve been living inside of her for over nine months. Hi Mommy. Thanks for expanding your uterus for me.
Oh hell no. You’re not taking me away from her already are you?
I’m naked. How about some clothes, people? This is embarrassing. No, I’m not wearing that generic newborn hat. I thought we were in Beverly Hills. I want Gucci.
Okay, now there are way to many of these men with yellow jackets and blue gloves around. They’re checking my heartbeat. They’re checking my temperature. Damnit…he’s about do drain fluids out of my nose…this sucks. Literally.
Oh finally, a human. Wait…I know that voice. Now I’m holding his finger. He looks kind of like Jimmy Neutron. Who is he? DADDY!!!! What up! Go Mets! I love baseball! I can’t wait to ride bikes in our backyard! Can you grab me a brewski?
Oh..they’re taking me away again. Looks like weigh in time. What do you all think? Seven pounds anybody? Eight and a half?
Boom. 9.1 Pounds. I’m big boy. What up!
Allright, now they’re measuring me. Take a guess. 18inches? 21? I think my sister was 20.
Yeah!!!! I’m 22 inches! Take that Kobe! Boom Shacka-lacka.
Oh no…where am I going now. Back to Mommy! Yes… everything is good in the world!
I love milk.
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