You guys, the other day I got a call from my little miracle baby’s daycare center. They told me that the boy got really frustrated with some other kid because he didn’t want to share some toy and scratched himself. Himself! He self-harmed!
Apparently, this is normal for toddlers, but I still couldn’t understand why he would do something like that, so I sat him down for a heart-to-heart father-son talk.
Me: I heard you scratched yourself at daycare today out of frustration… why would you do that, son?
My Little Miracle Baby: I guess I just wanted to feel something.
Me: What are you talking about? You sound depressed.
MLMB: I mean, look around you. So much consumerism and commercialism. Everyone’s out for himself. Not to mention the rampant obesity…
Me: I keep telling you, I don’t have a weight problem!
MLMB: Here we go. It has to be about you, doesn’t it? You’re such an egotist!
Me: I’m not fat! Oh, wait. You said “egotist”. I’m okay with that.
MLMB: Of course you’re okay with it. You’re part of the machine! The fat part!
Me: I knew it! You called me fat!
MLMB: Well, it’s not like it’s a secret.
Me: Listen, this is all well and good, but I don’t want you to keep scratching your good-looking face. That’s how I plan to make my living one day.
MLMB: You. Monster. I’ll see you never make a dime from these long lashes, piercing eyes and chiseled chin!
Me: Too late!
MLMB: I’m calling the police.
Me: Who do you think helped me put together this adorable “Policemen Rescue a Baby” calendar that I’m selling for twenty dollars a pop?
MLMB: You won’t get away with this.
Me: I already have.
And then I laughed and laughed. Because sometimes that’s what good parenting’s all about.
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For a lot more of this kind of thing, check out Daddy’s Little Miracle.