Over the last few days, pretty much everyone on the planet has had the opportunity to see the boy who was invoiced for missing a birthday party. If you missed it, CLICK HERE. Everyone has been equally outraged by the gumption of the mother who sent it, and she has been mercilessly torn to bits through Social Media and mainstream media alike. I, however applaud her creative measures of securing payback for her perceived slight. It got me thinking, what if I can also arbitrarily send invoices to people for being put out in some way as a parent? I decided to draw up my first batch today. While that woman had an exact monetary value attached to justify the cost, I had to calculate based purely on how much recompense I think I deserve.
Aunt Catherine
Invoice Amount: $106,250
For:
- Labor with anger tax.
When birthdays and Christmas roll around, my sister seems to actively search out the toys with the highest number of individual pieces paired with the maximum amount of time for cleanup. The kids love the presents. They play with them sparingly but seem to revel in spreading the pieces around the house. I, however, have had enough. I’ve decided she should be invoiced for the man-hours spent finding, stepping on, cleaning and organizing these games and crafts. Rather than breaking up the hours into the innumerable instances of work, I have lumped them all into one bill. I think this number should cover the levels of frustration I’ve felt when tackling the aftermath of these games.
Guy Who Rang My Doorbell When Kids Were Sleeping
Invoice Amount: $1,120
For:
- Frustration
- Being The Worst Person Ever
- Making Me Stop Watching Lord of The Rings Movies
The sign was there. Right on the door. Not inches from the doorbell. “Kids Sleeping. Please Do Not Ring The Doorbell”. You COULD NOT have missed it, yet somehow you did! Inside the house I was content. My kids, who never ever ever nap, were actually napping simultaneously!!! I had real life, actual free time which is something so precious that I am unable to assign true monetary value to (but I’ll do my best). So you delivered your package, rang the bell and left. What you left behind was turmoil. I had just settled down to watch Return Of The King, something I can’t do with them around. One woke at the bell, and the other woke at the sound of the first. You had dashed all hopes I had of a relaxing afternoon. My moments basking in the realms of Middle Earth were replaced with snack times, cleaning messes and wiping rears. How dare you do this to me sir. How. Dare. You.
Parent Who Sent Sick Kid To School
Invoice Amount: $560,000
For:
- Spreading Your Sickness
- Doubling My Workload
- Germ Warfare/ Ignoring Warsaw Convention Treaties
You might look at this number and think “Well that is a tad excessive!!”, but I would disagree. I think perhaps you are getting off lightly with this. You’ll notice that the bill has been compounded by 25, representing all of the kids in the classroom. Payment will be distributed accordingly. You woke. You heard his/her cough. You saw the oozing snot and you shipped them off anyway. A ticking time-bomb of infection, sent to recruit every other student in the class. Not long afterward I was at home, trying to work, care for a sick child and stave off the spread of germs to the rest of the family. I don’t think an invoice is a just punishment for what you have unleashed, but it’s a start. Please stop being “that person”.
So that’s the start of my invoice initiative. Should these go to court and I get the right judge, you know, one who has kids of their own, a sympathetic ear might just make these valid!