1. Use my hand to wipe the snot and drool from my kids face, and then wipe it on my pants or shirt.
That’s just gross. I’m not so lazy I can’t pack wipes or Kleenex, and then get them when I need one. We have the technology. We don’t have to make ourselves crusty.
2. Wear a sweater vest.
Not my style. I’m more of a Suit and Tie kind of guy.
3. Use words like rad, groovy, hip, happenin’, the bomb, YOLO, or swag.
I will be a cool Dad because I am a cool guy. Simple.
4. Show him how to use a condom with a banana.
The use of food is just not necessary. He will be smart enough to grasp the concept. Although, I will make sure he knows to watch for fingernails, and to leave that little bit of leeway at the tip.
5. Allow myself to become a puke-covered, smelly man-mom who has a bottle holster and fanny pack.
6. Be afraid to discuss things like puberty, sex, women, or masturbation with him. And I will make sure he will feel the same way.
Sex is wonderful, and so is talking about it. Stay classy, stay open, and there will not be an issue.
7. Have a different babysitter every weekend. Or need a babysitter every weekend.
I have had way too many babysitters, and too often. This will not be the same for my child.
8. Make Gabriel stand in a corner as a punishment. That’s just weird.
Social isolation for thoughtful reflection- okay. But, not in a corner or against a wall. I see my dog standing with her nose into the wall, and it creeps me out.
9. Make him play sports or go to camp if he doesn’t want to.
I was forced to go to a Bible camp, and it was awful. Actually sort of traumatic. Also, I was a fat kid trying to play soccer and baseball. Didn’t help my self-esteem much when I sucked.
10. Become the kind of Dad that a child would be afraid to “come out” to.
Homosexuality is not wrong. Deal with it.
11. Forget to say “I love you”.
Because I do, and I will tell him every day no matter what.
12. Force my religious beliefs, or lack thereof, onto my child.
He will be educated, and can form his own faith. I will not force it onto him like it was onto me, or my parents, or my parent’s parents.
13. Influence my child’s career path.
If he wants to make a living through street performing, he can. That would be awesome. But he will learn quickly the difference between following your dreams and making a sufficient income. If he can do both, I will be one proud father. And I will support him any way I can, every success, and every failure.
14. Stifle his passion.
Passion is life force. You stifle passion, you snuff out a life.
15. Give him a reason to believe I can’t be relied on.
I’m supposed to be Superman, remember? Where would Metropolis be if they weren’t able to rely on Clark Kent?
16. Not allow pizza and ice cream for breakfast (on special occasions).
One time, my Great Grandmother surprised me with ice cream for breakfast. Then we played Nintendo. It was a good day.
17. Borrow money from my child.
18. Carry out fights with my partner in front of them.
As parents, we stand united. Always.
19. Fail to teach him what Schooling can’t.
Because the schooling system is inherently flawed.
20. Use physical pain as a means of discipline.
Physical pain as a form of disciplining children is for the weak-minded. There are other, more effective ways.
21. Make my child go out in public wearing something they don’t want to.
I am not that guy.
22. Tell my child that it’s not okay to wear a cape, cut off the crusts, or drink chocolate milk with a spoon.
God damn it, if my kid wants to cut off the crusts because they taste like cardboard, fine. And if he likes to savor his chocolate milk, even better. That stuff is some of the best tasting liquid on the planet, and this action means he knows to savor something good before it’s gone. And if my son wants to wear a cape, then I will buy him the best damn cape he has ever seen. Hell, I might even wear one, too.
23. Fail to love and protect him for the rest of my life.
Because I am his father, and that’s what I will do.