As today’s children are more savvy and sophisticated than their predecessors, (namely us), it has become increasingly more difficult to keep the Santa Claus illusion a viable part of the wonderful Christmas experience. Much as we may want to prop up the belief in ol’ Saint Nick, so that our children can feel the same wonder as we did, the Internet generation is very difficult to deceive, and the average age for a child to believe in Santa Claus decreases annually.
But c’mon parents! Don’t make it so easy for your children. Even the most honest of adults should be able to muster up a little guile for the sake of their kids. Just be sensible. Most kids above the age of five or six already have secret doubts about Santa, as his existence flies in the face of basically everything taught to them throughout the year. So be logical in maintaining the myth, and don’t volunteer too much. You owe it to the Santa that you believed in so many years ago.
Ten Hints for Maintaining the Santa Claus Illusion This Year:
1) Alter your handwriting on name tags–Your children know your what your signature looks like, and are wise enough to gather that a mystical old man won’t have the same exact handwriting as their mother. Either use no name tags for Santa’s gifts, or make the handwriting look shaky like an elderly person. Also, don’t use the same style name tags for Santa’s gifts as you use for your own presents to your kids–it’s unrealistic to think that Mom and Santa shop at the same CVS.
2) Don’t get too creative with Santa’s Gifts–Contemporary media portrays Santa and his elves as mostly making toys crafted from wood. The hobbyhorses and wooden trains that are shown on television and in film have no name brands, packaging, or resemblance to popular modern-day gifts. The distinctly commercial, 2011 presents, should come from you, as your children have no doubt already seen them on the shelves of stores, and in advertisements. How would Santa know about these trends, especially with his huge list-making responsibilities? He wouldn’t. The presents you give from Santa should be removed from their boxes, and be basic enough that you can explain elves being able to make them in Santa’s “factory.”
How could Santa know how to make something like an iPad? Does Apple simply infringe upon their own copyright, by immediately faxing the specs for each new model up to the North Pole, or does Santa just possess the technology himself? And if the answer is the later, shouldn’t we be wondering what else Santa is keeping from us?
3) Don’t actively lie or try and explain things too much–Be vague and ascribe Santa’s magical qualities to something vague like “the power of Christmas.” The more lies you come up with, the more holes you leave for your offspring to nail you on. Besides, there are no reasonable lies to explain Santa’s ability to hit up a billion children in only one night, or the grudge he obviously holds against Jewish kids.
4) Don’t take your child to see the mall Santa–This is a mistake, despite your desire to show off an awkward picture of your child sitting on the lap of a minimum wage, badly dressed, mall employee. Your child will first wonder how Santa has the time during the Christmas season, to sit outside a J.C. Penny’s all day. He’ll also figure out that Santa seems to be making appearances at many local stores. Odd. And be warned: if you go with the lie that mall Clauses are “Santa’s helpers,” your kids may wonder why Santa would allow his “helpers” to dress as a shabby, often scary version of himself. It’s a good thing that we now have Virtual Santa Visits where your kids can receive personalized video greetings and a virtual photo op with Santa himself.
5) Be sure your child is unaware of how chimneys work–If they know about fireplaces and chimneys, you’ll get questions about Santa being too fat and toy-ridden to be able to fit, and your kids will wonder how Santa will be able to get past the flue. If you don’t have a fireplace or chimney, and you haven’t provided any wiggle-room (so to speak) for Santa, your children are going to wonder how exactly he got into your home. Then, all of a sudden, Santa is not only the whimsical bearer of toys, but also a cat burglar.
6) Be prepared to fib about geography–The recent popularity of penguins might make this difficult, but it’s important for your children to be unaware of the fact that there is no solid land on the North Pole, and that it’s too cold for anyone to live there. Sure, Santa, his wife, and the elves are magical, and could presumably survive the cold (though Santa does wear what looks like a pretty warm coat), but how is Santa able to import his supplies–to say nothing of electricity, plumbing, and sanitation issues.
“This is the last time I’m coming up her for a service call, Nick. Now, it looks like somebody’s been forgetting to jiggle the handle.”
7) Do not allow a letter to Santa, and if you do, be prepared to give everything on it–If your child is operating under the assumption that he or she’s been “good” this year, and is making a list for Santa, then you really have to get everything on it, because why would Santa give only some of things your child wants for Christmas, but not everything? You can’t just say Santa doesn’t have the time or money–he’s magical, he can do anything he wants. And what if something on the list is sold out, and you can’t get it? That’s an ok excuse for you, but not for Santa. Because even if you’ve convinced your kids that Santa doesn’t actually make all his gifts, surly he’s expected to have a hook-up at some of the stores.
Cheyenne better get that horse. The rabbits too.
8) Be careful your child doesn’t confuse God and Santa–This is an easy mistake to make for little kids. Two mysterious bearded white guys, watching you and judging your behavior from afar, with Christmas as a big day for each. You don’t want your child to stop believing in God, or to start debunking their religion, simply because you didn’t separate the two people adequately when their existence was being taught.
Certain spelling mistakes may complicate this issue even further.
9) Give coal once in a while–It doesn’t have to be only coal–just a small lump will do in maintaining the farce. No child is totally good every single year, and by you never giving coal, you’re directly contradicting the rules regarding Santa’s attitude towards naughty and nice, and giving your child the impression that Santa thinks he or she is perfect. All kids know they’re not perfect, and if Santa “sees you when you’re sleeping,” and “knows when you’re awake,” and finally “knows if you’ve been bad or good,” (while the child himself knows he did some bad things that year), the continued presents are gonna make him wonder.
It’s for his own good.
10) If all hope is lost, come clean–There’s nothing sadder than a fourth-grader being incessantly mocked by his peers because he’s the only one still believing in Santa, either because his parents are ultra-slick (doubtful), or because his parents just can’t let it go. But don’t admit Santa was never real or it may bruise his past Santa-Christmas memories. Simply explain that Santa exists only for little kids who believe, and now since you’re older, he’s moving on to new little kids. This will keep the Santa illusion still half-reasonable till your child becomes a teenager, at which point, Santa’s the least of your problems.
“Matthew, why would I know which colleges you should apply to?”
“Because you’re Santa.”
“I told you last year. My name is Gilberto, and I usually work as a janitor here.”