Psst. You. Yeah, you with the fanny pack…c’mere, I wanna talk to you.

I know what it’s like for guys like you–dads–around Father’s Day. Not only are you prevented from doing what you want on your day (drinking and sports), but you get gifts. Gifts from the wife–gifts from the kids. And don’t get me wrong, these gifts are cute, and heartwarming, and you’ll absolutely cherish them forever…or whenever you go up to the attic. But in these trying economic times, my friend, wouldn’t cash be a more useful?

Now, naturally you can’t ask your wife and kids for money for Father’s Day, nor should you have to. That’s where I come in. Dads, I am here to buy your useless Father’s Day presents. Obviously, we have to keep this between us, but let’s be honest with each other. Do you think your daughter’s really gonna care what daddy did with her macaroni necklace gift, when you finally have the money to take her, and the rest of the rugrats, to a place like, say, Disney’s Grand Floridian Resort and Spa? I don’t think so.

How is a macaroni necklace valuable to me? It’s of no concern to you. But let’s just say that in certain countries a macaroni necklace is worth a small home. Why? I don’t know. And I don’t want to know. But what I do know is that I can pay you cash for these items.

From Your Kids:

Macaroni Necklace, up to $200–Like I said, these are a desirable item. Rigatoni is the most popular, but I’ve also seen a few penne chokers bring a good price. A bow-tie or wagon-wheel charm will increase what I’m willing to give, but poor coloring of the pasta by your child, will decrease the value.

Or you could keep it, and be this guy.

Drawings, up to $50–These, on the other hand, are less desirable. I can give you ten bucks apiece for the typical happy-family-standing-in front-of-their-house crayon pic, assuming it contains the standard green grass, blue sky, orange (or yellow) sun, and disproportional tree.  Maybe I can give you two dollars each for an “I love Daddy” heart, but most people want to keep those–I’m not trying to ruin the refrigerator doors of America after all. So I won’t buy greeting cards either, though some of my competitors do. Finger-paintings go for a little more, but be advised that I will check the prints for proof it’s from your kid, and not an elderly relative. And don’t think that if your kid has legitimate talent, their picture is worth more. It isn’t. Especially if it’s a superhero or god help us, an anime character–those are worthless.

I’d pay extra for this because of the sandals, the see-through pants, and the entire family’s apparent lack of vision.

Popsicle Stick Art, up to $500–Anything made with popsicle sticks will fetch a good price. And I better not see any glue. Visible glue will really damage the art’s value, so please, start encouraging the proper application of glue, by your child, from the time he or she is born.

Few people realize that Pablo’s son, Bobby Picasso, originated this art form. 

“World’s Best Dad” Certificate, $6 apiece–Look, be honest with yourself. You know you don’t deserve this bogus title. You may be a good, even great dad–but the best? I know a guy in Cleveland who donated both kidneys to his kids, works 80 hours a week, and coaches both his son’s baseball team, and his daughter’s dance squad. So don’t let your child’s hand-made certificate fool you. And really, is your kid qualified to make such a claim? How many other fathers could he or she be familiar with? So, six bucks each on those, and I’ll give you extra if I like the amount of glitter on it.

I’m not sure Ruud’s kids have the authority to confer this title.

Handmade “Coupons”, Face Value–If you give me the coupon, I’ll give you the “One Free Backrub,” or “One Hug Good At Any Time” myself, because let’s be real, your not going to save that coupon for later use. If you want a hug from your kid, you shouldn’t have to pay for it, especially with a non-transferable document that has no redeemable cash value. I’d do a better job anyway, giving you more value for your Father’s Day “gift.” If you get one of these beauties from your wife, on the other hand, I may pay up to $500. Actual physical proof of a man’s wife not loving him, is rare.

Is Father’s Day really the appropriate occasion to teach your children frugality?

From Your Wife:

Ties, $3-$300 (depending upon ugliness)–I’ll pay extra if you don’t have a job that requires a tie, or the tie is especially pitiful looking. If it’s a “funny tie,” the value decreases, unless the tie features a Peanuts character, which inexplicably, causes the value to skyrocket. If your children are actually pictured on the tie, it’s value is determined by how similar your kids look to Kardashians.

This is problematic no matter what the situation. If dad doesn’t like Twilight, then you’ve given him a wildly inappropriate gift. If he does, then you have a father who likes Twilight.

Cologne, up to $100–People in this country don’t want to smell like their favorite athletes. But the people of Canada do. Desperately. That’s why the value of your gift-cologne will depend upon the celebrity pictured on the bottle. I

If the fragrance is for men, then what’s the point of making Jeter look so dreamy?

Barbecue Apron, $25-$1000–The more embarrassing and unlikely to be worn, the better. Wacky slogans, a fake body design, or any device attached to hold a beer, and I’ll throw in a few extra bucks. The only exception is “Kiss the Cook,” which I won’t buy. Those aprons have lost value in recent years, due to certain people who have worn them.

In the nude.

Personal Hygiene Items, up to $30–There should be no hesitation here. Even if you are smelly or hairy, you should want to sell these items to me, out of spite, because your wife has chosen a holiday celebrating your worth as a father, to tell you how disgusting you are.

No father on earth opens this gift and is warmed by the love his family has shown him.

Sweater, $5-$50–This is especially underwhelming as a gift in June, considering the fact that you don’t have the opportunity to wear it till November. But would you wear it if you didn’t have to? How often, truly, do most men wear sweaters? Think about it. And while you do, think about selling it to me. I’ll give you extra for a truly repulsive pattern, or if it’s mostly white, or if it’s corded. In fact, the value increases the closer the design looks like a heart monitor.