I have given up on watching my language around my kids. I don’t let them swear though and I have no problem with the double standard either. I have friends on both sides of the fence on this issue. Some are very careful about every word that comes out of their mouths and vigilant about catching each other when it seems a curse is imminent. While others it seems have little regard for what their kids hear them say.
I think I fall somewhere in the middle and my position really started taking shape a few years ago when I really became aware how much my kids listen to me. One morning while herding my children into the car to get somewhere (probably to school) my oldest told me, as we walked into the garage, that I had made a big mistake the night before. I had not taken their soccer ball out of my car the night before, so they were unable to use it with their friends. He related this concern to me and summed it up by saying:
“… we knew you had it and we were like dammit!”
Now I like to think I am a mature adult, but hearing a good “dammit” out of a 7 yo mouth is more than my willpower can overcome… so now that I can no longer keep a straight face, I really couldn’t get mad at him for it because:
- I was laughing too much.
- I knew I was the one that had inadvertently taught him to swear.
So in all my fatherly wisdom I told him that I know he has heard daddy say that, so I was not going to tell him he can’t. I give him a set of rules, he can say dammit around me as long as he doesn’t say it around his grandparents, at school, and yes I hedged my bet and told him not to say it around his mom.
Fast forward a few years and I have since taken back that permission. On top of that I made it clear to my boys that I don’t want them cursing …yet.
I felt like I was teaching them the wrong lesson. I honestly have no issue with swearing. Sometimes a well timed curse is the only expression that will do. Telling them to keep their potty mouths a secret seemed like the wrong approach to me. I would rather they be masters of the English language and learn when it is appropriate to curse. So I have talked with my boys about this subject, and I have given them the roadmap to swearing with their dad.
That roadmap is learning the English language. I told them that what makes a good swear make sense and have the appropriate impact, is knowing when to use it and who to use it with. That really is the same thing we do as we learn English (or whatever native tongue we learn). I pointed out to them that I have had 4x the amount of experience speaking English than they do, I have learned the rules, and know when to break them to get my meaning across. They still have a little way to go.
I’m no fool, I know my kids will start using curse words long before I “give” them any sort of permission, but for the time being they are paying a little more attention to how I speak in general, and when and how I curse. We talk about it from time to time and I can explain things like the audience for the remark, the timing, and the reasoning.
They are learning to communicate with all their words, and curse words are part of the vernacular they will be exposed to.
My goal is to teach them to curse like the “best” of them.
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(This post originally appeared on The Good Men Project )