At some point in our lives we have all looked at religions and past beliefs of ancient peoples (and probably current ones) and wondered something like “How could they have possibly believed that?” Some things just seem too fantastical, strange or just downright false, to have ever been thought of as truths. But then as you gain a better understanding of the times the people were living in, you begin to see how these things could have easily been thought of as absolutes. It was easy to assign fault, or thanks to myriad Gods who were sitting on their clouds bestowing blessings, or conversely, royally screwing up someone’s day. The Greeks and Romans had over 30,000 Gods, deities and minor-Gods to fist-bump in good times and deride in bad. Like alcohol to Homer Simpson, these beings were the cause of and solution to, all of life’s problems. But as science developed and simple explanations were provided for things like the movement of the Sun, changing of the tides and why Becky from ox rearing class preferred the company of Claudius just because his dad bought him his own chariot.

As parents, we have also left behind things that we knew to be truths. We’ve abandoned things that were previously absolutes. They were unquestionable parts of our very existences until one day we woke up and realized that they no longer harbored any tangible meaning to us. They were simply myths that had no bearing on our lives any longer. They were fantasies. Figments of our imaginations. So with help from my good friend Art Eddy, I decided to give a face to the folklore that we once believed in and celebrated, before parenting cast these false Gods aside for the new reality that we accept as the real truths.

FreeTimeion God of Free Time V1

 

Ah the good old days, when Freetimeion ruled our weekends. You’d get a call from a friend along the lines of “Hey, want to get brunch in that town 30 minutes away and then just linger about until game time tonight??” Suddenly, Freetimeion would nod in your direction and you’d be off, spending a listless day doing…. whatever! We look back now and recognize that he was never a thing. He is a God that doesn’t exist to us any more.

Incomus Disposabitev2

Incomus Disposabite was always paired with Freetimeion in the fables of old. Not only did you have the free time to do whatever you wanted. You also had some money to do it with! Now obviously we all know that we have no time to do anything and if we did, we wouldn’t have the disposable income to finance any endeavor outside of paying for Gymnastics, Soccer Leagues and tuitions.

Quietus Maximus God of Quiet

Ah Quietus Maximus. How we miss being able to rely on you. You were our savior in times of headaches. You comforted us when we felt stressed. You soothed us at pools, beaches and on hikes. Now that we have abandoned you, we can never again regain the serenity you provided.

BounceBackadon God of hangover suppression

There have been a number of instances where I made the mistake of believing that Bounce Backadon was still there to protect me. How very very foolish I was. I’m generally reminded that this Mythological God no longer exists after a night hanging out with friends who still firmly acknowledge the existence of the previous two. Unfortunately for me, since I know these were merely figments of my young imagination, I get thoroughly damaged with no form of bounce-back after a night out.

Slumberous God of naps and whole nights asleep

Slumberous abandoned me before I was prepared to deny the actuality of him. One day naps dried up and disappeared. Whole nights slept without waking was taken over by crying babies and the older I got, the more frequently I seemed to have to pee at 2 am. If my parents are any indication, he will suddenly re-manifest himself with a vengeance when I’m about 65.

Take heed, all of you who still look to these false idols. One day you will see the light and be baptized in our ways. Soon you will cast them aside and you will recognize how foolish you were to think that they actually existed at all.