Yet another in my ongoing Parenting Perils series. These articles are dedicated to helping the newer fathers avoid hidden disasters that can side-rail your day and put you squarely into crisis mode. If you haven’t seen my other articles on the subject, follow this link to see the others on “Mall Fountains, Public Restrooms and The “Cartoon Mouse” Store.
Peril #5 Ice Pops/ Lollipops
Ice Pops!!! Nothing is better on a hot day. What a great idea! Right?? Oh how very wrong you are. If it were 147 degrees and we were trekking through the Sahara on foot in August, I would not buy my toddlers an ice pop (ice cream men roam the Sahara right? If not- business opportunity!). Not if I planned on having my day continue uninterrupted by horrible sticky messes. The only circumstance in which I would give them one is if I had spare clothing for the kids and myself and anyone near us. Plus, a nearby fire hose and/or a power washer of some sort. I’d also require some sort of dunking tank.
Now, I know kids love ice pops, who doesn’t? But guess what you don’t love. Sticky disgusting kids colored blue from their lips to their navel, spreading the atrocious stick to everything they touch. Sticky hair, sticky car, sticky toys sticky you. The air around them somehow suddenly becomes sticky. Once they have an ice pop, your day has ended. You must go straight home to wash. It’s horrible.
Solution
Don’t buy them. Just don’t. Yes they are cute, yes the kids love them, but they are unequivocally not worth it. If your child loses his/her marbles because you didn’t get one for them, find the smallest, least drippy item you can get to appease them. Or just give them plain ice. They’ll be wet, but not sticky. If you can somehow convince them that’s what all ice pops taste like they’ll stop asking and you’ll be ahead of the game. You can also pretend that they’re spicy. That’s what I do with my kids when they want me to share something and I’m being a selfish bastard. “Sure honey, you can have a bite of my SUPER SPICY MEGA-MOUTH-BURNING BROWNIE……… What’s that? You don’t want it anymore?……. Ok, if you say so.” Your best bet is to give them an ice pop/lollipop directly before a shower. Better yet, give it to them while they are taking a shower! It’ll help them get through it way faster and you won’t suddenly be finding leaves, dirt, toys and bugs sticking to your child’s neck.