In part II of my continuing series of Parenting Perils, I bring you a location that was once a bastion of solitude. A place where you can go to have time to gather yourself and to not worry about the chaos and insanity that life can sometimes offer. You would formerly look forward to this place knowing that you would have the tools to handle everything correctly and never give a second thought to the consequences of doing things the wrong way. I bring you…….. The Bathroom.
It’s the most natural thing in the world. Everyone does it (With the notable exception of our lovely wives and girlfriends of course. Perfection doesn’t poop, correct??). Now this peril comes in two forms. I am in the middle of both. To Joseph who is 2 years old, the world is his toilet. Good for him. The peril lies with being unprepared for this. I routinely forget wipes and extra diapers when I head out. Most times this isn’t much of a problem, but when it is, it’s a huuuuge problem that ends your day. We once forgot diapers on an outing to a theme park. Naturally that was the day Joseph unleashed a furious torrent of disgust into his pants and diaper. My wife was sent begging strangers for everything we needed and my son soon left the park pantsless.
The second part is my daughter who is 4. She is on the toilet and needs no diapers. Hooray right?? Well yes, except for the times when she just refuses to go use the bathroom. And I mean refuses for hours and hours………and hours. We can’t leave before she goes and we can’t force it out of her. So we wait, and wait aaaaaaaand wait. She either somehow has the bladder of a blue whale in that tiny little frame of hers, or she is a new form of X-man with mutated retention powers. Professor X would call her Antipotty.
When she does go and we are out in public, I usually have to bring Joseph into the bathroom with me. That just opens a whole new world of potential horribleness. Joseph is physically incapable of seeing something without also needing to know how it feels. This includes the sometimes not all too gleaming white toilets and urinals. “HANDS UP” is the mantra when he enters. He walks through restrooms like he’s my hostage.
Solution:
The first one is easy. Remember the diapers, stupid!! Pre-pack them into everything. Have them in your car, in your backpack, in your wallet, in your pocket, download the diaper app to your phone. Just have them.
The second one is trickier. Try your best to make the bathroom exciting. Congratulate them on jobs well done. Maybe critique size and color with them with a look of astonishment. Sure, they aren’t going to win a Nobel Prize for it (probably), but to them it’s a big accomplishment and acknowledging it as such will go a long way towards getting you out of the house faster. As for the public restrooms, I suggest steam cleaning your children afterwards with a full body dunk into Purell.