I’d like to tell you a story. It’s about a boy and a girl who are polar opposites – he’s large, loud, American and boisterous, she’s thin, proper, British and quiet. Somehow, these two met in a foreign land (OK, not so foreign – London, UK), and fell in love. They came to NY to start a life together. They got married, and within 4 months…BOOM. Pregnant! 9 months later, along came their pride and joy, a daughter named Ella Grace. How happy they were together! Sure, Ella didn’t sleep, required someone to hold her hand even to attempt to get her to do so and screamed at the approach of ANYONE other than mommy or daddy…but for some reason, right around her 1st birthday, this boy and this girl decided they wanted a sibling for Ella, and would start trying to have one for her right away.
Ella’s second birthday came around – no pregnancy in sight.
Ella’s third birthday came around – still nothing doing.
At this point, medical advice was sought out: they were deemed to have “fertility problems.” You may be asking yourself, “Self, how could Ella have been so easily conceived by a couple with fertility problems?” Good question! It is, however, one that the doctors were unable to satisfactorily answer: 1) Ella was “a fluke.” 2) Perhaps there weren’t any problems before, but now there were. 3) *shrug*
A battery of tests were done on the couple. She had possible minor endometriosis and a “backward tilting uterus.” He had sperm with abnormal motility and shape – some of the little fellas were swimming in circles like dolphins in a Sea World act, while some of them had shrunken little heads like the guy in that movie “BeetleJuice.” The couple felt that the odds were stacked against them, and they would have to face the facts that they were going to be a single-child family….when….BOOM! Pregnant!!!
They could not believe their luck! They had been through so much – the girl even went through a surgical procedure to remove the endometriosis – and were just about to start using fertility drugs/procedures to try for a pregnancy! But nope! They got pregnant on their own! All will now be well!!
They went to the fertility doctor for an ultrasound at 5 weeks – the yolk sac was there. Yay!
They went to the fertility doctor for an ultrasound at 6 weeks – the little embryo bud was there, and you could see the little flicker of a heartbeat! It measured a little small, but YAY!
They went to the fertility doctor for an ultrasound at 7 weeks – embryo there, heartbeat there, but it hadn’t grown much. Something wasn’t right, but we’d wait and see.
At 8 weeks – miscarriage.
Talk about devastation – this destroyed the couple’s spirit in every way possible. Telling Ella was the worst part of it all.
Once everything settled down, the couple decided to try fertility medications and some “easy” methods (intra-uterine insemination) to try for a successful pregnancy. Tried 3 times – no dice.
Keep in mind now, every time She got her period, it was like hope dying all over again every single month. The anxiety, pressure and stress created by this situation was obviously affecting every part of their lives.
In the springtime of Ella’s 5th year, the couple had saved their pennies to try IVF – talk about intense! All kinds of injections had to be given and pills taken multiple times a day. Ultrasounds done to check the state of ovulation, number of follicles, etc. Finally, the day came to collect them – there were 18 eggs collected! – and choose the very best of His “special” sperm, and voila, in a lab, were created 10 embryos (the other 8 didn’t fertilize)! The couple did not desire 10 more children, and the doctor was not out of his mind like Octomom’s, so 2 of the “best looking” embryos were implanted. Then…they waited. Talk about a killer wait! They just plunked down $15,000 and went through all kinds of hormone treatments, blood tests, etc, all for the hope of a sibling for Ella. All for the hope of something that should be the most natural thing on earth.
She went for her blood test.
POSITIVE!
Yay!
Went for the ultrasound.
One happy little embryo!
YAY!
Lucy Madeline was born the day after Christmas. Healthy and happy as can be.
There is a bizarre stigma attached to miscarriage and infertility. No one wants to talk about it, as if ignoring it makes it not real. It’s stupid – sharing your experiences, grief and pain with others actually does help you to move on with your life and feel better. What is there to be embarrassed about? Ashamed of? That your sperm don’t swim straight? That your uterus is pointing backwards? It’s the way you were made – that’s like being embarrassed of being bald or having a reddish-yet-somehow-rugged beard… the pain of losing a pregnancy is a difficult thing for BOTH parents, by the way. Especially when the both of them wanted that baby more than anything for SO long. So it’s normal for a dad to feel as much anguish as a mom. Just so you know.