All parents experience messy firsts, whether they are new to being a parent or simply entering a new stage with a child. These adventures—or “bleachable moments”— are those times when all you can do is laugh your way through the mess (and sometimes grab a bottle of Clorox® Regular-Bleach, as you will soon learn).
I experienced one such moment on a weekend that you’re about to hear all about, which was definitely one of the most challenging of my life.
I’m a hands-on dad. Most situations that are thrown at me, I can handle. Put both of our kids to sleep? Done. Cook dinner? Done. Change two dirty diapers at one time? Done.
I should also state up front that I am not a believer in Murphy’s Law. As a glass-half-full kind of guy, I tend to think positively. Murphy’s Law states that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. The worst things are sure to happen at the worst possible times.
Last year, when my wife headed to Las Vegas with her sisters for a girl’s weekend, the below facts seem to prove that Murph did indeed impose his laws upon me.
These two cute kids are not possibly capable of what I’m about to write about…right?
The kids were 2.8 and 1.1 years old when this historic weekend began. Babs and Tommy were feeling great, and we started out with a fun day of playing outside, taking naps, and going for a long walk. This weekend would be over before I knew it, and life would go back to normal. By late afternoon, the tide started to change. I think Murph may have just been entering town, (I picture him riding a filthy unicorn, for some reason).
Babs started complaining about a tummy ache. Tommy started getting extra cranky.
Within an hour, Murph must have been on our block, as Babs threw up on her white shirt. It reminded me of a peanut butter sandwich that had been chewed up, swallowed, and spit back out with bonus orange chunks. Actually, that’s exactly what it was.
I threw her clothes in the wash with Clorox® Regular-Bleach, and put the kids in the bath. During the bath, Tommy followed his sister’s footsteps, like he always does, and presented his previously consumed lunch as a tribute to the God of bath time water. I think it’s Poseidon’s little cousin Moisha.
If you’re looking for a good challenge this Friday night, I recommend trying to pick up floating pieces of vomit from bath water. It’s kind of like bobbing for apples, except you are scooping your kids’ vomit with your hands. There was also upchuck all over the tiles on the wall, but nothing that some Clorox couldn’t help.
After cleansing the kids from the vomit stew that they were now bathing in, I was hopeful that the night was going to take a turn for the better. Surely, Murph does not work overnights, right? His union demands exorbitant overtime rates.
I got the kids in their beds, thinking we were going to be all right and that the worst was behind us. Little did I know that was just the prelude to the vomit parade, which was about to begin. Babs showcased her dinner all over her clothes and bed. I threw her clothes and sheets in the wash, and put her back the bathtub. That’s when I heard Tommy booting. I grabbed this chicken nugget covered baby from his crib, and put him in the tub as well.
For the next five hours or so, both of my kids were on the same cycle.
1) Fall asleep for about 15 minutes
2) Vomit
3) Bathe
4) Repeat
I was on a cycle of my own, and I would:
1) Bathe the kids
2) Bleach the sheets
3) Sing the kids to sleep
4) Repeat
Eventually, once they had cleaned out their systems, I gave them an electrolyte drink, making sure they had some nutrients and were hydrated, and then they passed out. If my math is correct, Murph went to sleep around 1AM that night, Pacific Time. His unicorn passed out on a filthy futon somewhere on the street.
When I say Murph went to sleep, I mean he took a bunch of hour-long naps from 1AM until 7AM. I was still cleaning up puke from my precious kids, but at this point it only about once every hour.
Through most of the morning, the vomit pace continued, and I had to call in the reinforcements, my parents. I was able to take care of the kids, while my folks worked on the Clorox fueled cleanup.
As the day went on, Murph packed his bags, and he and his dirty unicorn must have taken off to visit a different family. In a wonderful turn of events, my kids started eating again, and the food was actually staying in their system!
After 25+ vomiting sessions and 10+ loads of laundry with Clorox® Regular-Bleach, we were back to normal again. Hey Murph, thanks for the visit—I hope to never see you again.
This post was part 2 of my 3 “#BleachItAway moments.
Make sure to visit www.bleachitaway.com to share your own unique bleachable moments for the chance to win $20,000. To make sure you’re prepared for your own “smear campaign” moments, everyone who submits a moment will instantly receive a coupon for $0.50 off any bottle of Clorox® Regular-Bleach via email for the first moment they submit.
This is a sponsored post. I love Clorox Bleach dearly, but I was also compensated to write this post on their behalf. #BleachItAway. #Ad.