Author’s Note: I wrote this just before I went to bed on the eve of my child’s estimated birth (he ended up being born two days later), and I wanted to share it with you all.
In just over 6 hours, Chels begins her induction, and Gabriel will be arriving within due time. This means that this is my last night as who I am now. The game is about to change. There are new rules, new players, and new levels. Hell, it’s a whole new game altogether.
So what do I say in this post?
If I were a better writer and more prepared, I would craft a heart-warming piece about the path we all take, and moments leading up to our purpose being fulfilled. But I am not that guy. Not yet.
Instead, all I can do is just write from what’s in my heart, and hope it’s raw enough to be of worth. Because filtered and manicured writing is not worth your time. I owe you more than that.
I’m scared something’s going to go wrong. With Gabriel, or with Chels. And I wouldn’t be able to do anything. That fear gets stronger the closer I get to his birth.
I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that from a little cell grew something…someone… that will have the power to change my whole world. The very chemistry of my brain will be altered, and all of a sudden, I am my father, and Gabriel is me. All of the thoughts I have had about my Dad will be thought by my own son, and about me. My bloodline will continue, my smile, and my eyes, will transcend me. Even when I’m long gone, somebody out there will be smiling with my smile, and seeing the beauty in this world with my eyes. All from one cell. That’s all it takes.
I need him, just as much as he needs me. Gabriel, I mean. I think I have always needed him. People can say “You’ve done nothing, Matt. You’re poor and never went to college. You’re scarred and broken, and sometimes, things make you want to cry. Look at you. You’re still the same Matt. Nothing’s changed.” And I can finally say “You’re wrong. I’m the guardian of a new life, and I am his world.” And that will always be enough for me. Yeah, sometimes I still think maybe they’re right about me, that all the strength and wisdom I’ve gain isn’t even real. But then I realize I have the scars to prove it is. And soon, I will see all that I am come to life and hold my hand, and take comfort in my heartbeat. My voice will soothe him, and I’ll fight off the monsters that hide in the darkness.
So why am I here? What is it that I’m doing? To describe it exactly isn’t really possible. But I do know that I want to leave my son with a world that is better for me being alive in it. I want to make the world a better place than it was before I was born. And I’ve chosen to start by writing.
I’m trying to imagine how I’m going to be after tomorrow. When Gabriel is born, who will I become? I take comfort in knowing that I am about to become a better person. I think that when you stop living for yourself, the life you end up living is so much better than it would have been otherwise. Happiness comes from love, given and shared. There’s no secret or trick. It’s simple.
And while I have been happy, I think my true happiness will start in the eyes of my son looking up at me.
And so this post comes to an end so I can get some sleep. It’s not well structured, and may not even be that good, but it’s real and honest. And what is real and true is not always perfect. But there’s passion and life here in these words. These words are what our lives are made of. And this post is for me, really, anyway. I’m saying goodbye to all that I was, and embracing the person I will become and all that I could be.